Sunday, March 6, 2011

its 2 a.m.

now for some thought.


as i'm not able to sleep in this early hour,
i'm thinking about trust.
and how if you don't have trust,
well, you don't have much of anything.
i can honestly say that the only person i can fully trust is the Lord.

i didn't used to be this way of course,
i remember well the days that i trusted each person.
in fact, they weren't long ago.
there were days when i trusted airbags.
when i trusted door knobs and the locks on them.
there were days when i trusted band-aids.
and even days when i trusted boys not to break my heart.
there were days when i trusted marital vows.

it seems as though it went away in one day.

in a way it did.
there was a night with no sleep, and a morning with my world being torn apart
there were many many tears,
and many many walls.

i like to think that i'm over things,
that i'm strong and easy-going and that all my pains are far gone.
i don't know why its so hard to admit the truth,
but its far past time to release it.

so, here goes.

i'm fragile.
completely and helplessly fragile.
i am, at times, utterly consumed in fear.
not the kind that gives you goosebumps and shivers,
the kind that makes you cry.
cry and mourn what you have lost and what you fear you might lose.
the kind that makes your heart droop and your ribs quake.
the kind of fear that only those who have been betrayed to their very core can understand.

i realize that i can be...crazy, annoying, controlling...all of the above,

but today, i don't need to apologize.

because although me putting a lot of my trust in teenage boys is quite unhealthy,
and the constant anticipation for something bad to happen is exhausting,
i'm fragile, i'm scared,
and i'm waiting for a human male to prove to me that he won't leave.

i need to know that.

until then?

its a beautiful thing to know that God is an unchangeable being.
that what is revealed to me today will still be true tomorrow.
and that i can invest every ounce of my trust in Him until i'm ready to take the leap of faith on an actual person.
and that even when i do take that leap, He will still be there.
i have trust in Him and i know that He will never let me down.
i know that He will never let you down either.

take a deep breath. and purge some emotion why don't you.
i just did, sorry if some of it got on you.

love, laura