Friday, December 30, 2011
all the smiles on faces
and tickles in tummies,
all the dreams of young people
and the grass that dances with the wind,
all the glittery snow flakes
and pink and orange clouds,
all the foggy half moons
and big full ones too,
all the happy secrets shared
and the songs that make your muscles want to move,
all the hair blowing through the car window
and heavy hearts turning light,
and memories you'll never forget,
all the times you run inside because it's chilly
and you get shivers because you're skin is so happy,
all the good kind of tear drops
and all the colors of sweaters,
the feeling of being home
and the smell of it too,
and the word "lovely"
thats how i feel about you.
"but when you look at them & see that they're
beautiful, that's how i feel about you."
Thursday, December 15, 2011
there comes a tinge of guilt inside of me
because the world is sad sometimes
hearts are breaking and people are dying
people are making mistakes and hurting the ones they love most
and hearts are missing each other.
and today i thought about asking if it was wrong
to be so happy when so many awful things are happening.
if it was selfish,
if i was stealing everyone else's happiness.
and i felt so at peace.
because there isn't one big tank of happiness that everyone has to share from.
happiness is infinite
and its all around us
its in the sunshine and the christmas lights and the words that make your heart flutter
its in the morning laughs and the fluffy blankets and 7 freckles on your left arm.
its in your heart, its inside your very soul.
and every single little life can have as much as it wants
and no one can steal anyone else's away.
so if the love part of your life is perfect, enjoy every second of it.
and scream and laugh and dance about it if you want.
and wish the strangers at the store a "merry christmas!"
because the phrase is starting to die.
and wear lots of layers and put on funny hats
and be so thrilled that everyone is coming home, even if they will leave again.
make time for people, because you learn more from them than anything else.
read a good book.
and if you love a song, feel free to hit that replay button as much as you'd like.
and remember what this season is all about, and love the Savior with all you've got.
cause He's where all the happiness really comes from.
"we'll face unafraid the plans that we've made
walkin in a winter wonderland."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
i often feel like my heart is going to fall out of my chest
because so much lovely is filling it up.
and i stay up late and wake up early
because too many lovely things are on my mind.
and i squeal and i laugh and i cover my eyes
because i hear about lovely things.
and i see the lovely lights
and i hear the lovely songs
and though summertime is no more
though tall buildings, and long boards
and the salt water and sand are miles away,
i have my stars above me
and my heart beating outside of me
and even though it can be scary
i've never been in a place that's lovelier than this.
"maybe one day we can go"
Thursday, December 1, 2011
from inside of me i feel the need to scream it all out on top of something tall.
except all i have is this blog and so that'll have to do.
i woke up this morning with the pukies in my stomach.
its abnormal for me to feel this way
i throw up a lot but only out of crying
or when i brush my teeth and my gag reflexes don't like it.
so to wake up and feel really sick is a really odd feeling
and i really don't like it that much.
my mom brings me oils when i don't feel good and she rubs them on my feet.
then she gives me some to rub on my tummy
and now i smell like flowers or
or something like that.
so i get some work done and then i stay in my pajamas all day.
and i look outside and realize that it is december.
i so enjoy the first day of every month because its the promise for a whole new 30 or so days of new things.
its like looking at the empty pages left in your journal
and wondering what in the world you're going to write about back in there
because you have no idea when you'll write in it
and no idea where you'll be when you do.
and my phone has been quieter the past few days.
and i'm sorry that this long post might make no sense at all.
but its december and its not snowing
and this is the most magical month of all of them.
so go outside and don't forget your coat.
and tonight look at the christmas lights because
it looks like christmas out there.
"your skin and bones turn into something beautiful, you know,
you know i love you so."
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
it's because when i walk outside my nose feels cold first
and because when i'm cold, its acceptable to dress like a hobo.
it's the feeling of sunshine through my car window
as it warms up my legs.
it's because i dream of happy things every night
and my eyelids feel droopy when the day is done.
it's the new lotion i use on my dry hands.
it's footsies and hot chocolate and sweatshirts
and a boy with a hood that's too little.
it's the feeling of warm cheeks and
singing the happiest songs that ever were made.
and maybe it's because i'm not scared of time anymore
i'm only excited for things to come.
it's because i know that i have love and faith in my heart.
and i know that this is a special time in life.
i think that's why life is so happy.
"i am in love with what we are."
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
the thank you's in my heart today are for many different things.
for mikelle pyne
just celebrated her 19th birthday.
on her insides and outsides.
and i look up to her more than she will ever realize.
for friends who throw together
candlelight desserts for birthdays.
and sing songs about being 19.
that it can free a soul
and help you forget your past mistakes.
for doing the right thing
even though its hard.
for kisses on the forehead and wishing on stars.
and for the person who deserves every
good thing in this large world
telling you that they are truly happy.
and for a minute you forget all the bad
and wonder if life could ever be any better.
and for those minutes, i am so thankful.
"no, it won't all go the way it should, but i know the heart of life
Monday, November 21, 2011
i'm thankful for laughs.
that even though things sometimes aren't fair
and sometimes you do things that you should be embarrassed about,
you get to let your tummy hurt and your smile burst into a million pieces.
and for a second, everything is good
everything is bright
and you feel like you did when you were younger.
so you laugh and laugh and laugh.
it makes everything better, don't you think?
"with you all i know is
i'm coming home"
Saturday, November 19, 2011
i'm grateful for new days.
for the first deep breath you take when you wake up in the morning.
and you roll over and feel the last bit of warm blankets.
and if you're lucky,
the first thought you think of will be of someone who makes your heart very happy.
or it will be that your best friend is sleeping in this room, too.
or you'll be tickled by the dream that your heart
and head put together for you.
and the best part is that we have the opportunity to
be better than we were yesterday.
to laugh harder,
to smile at a stranger,
to dance in public,
to stop exaggerating so much,
to pray more,
and to move on from past hurts.
the first word i said this morning was,
Friday, November 18, 2011
since thanksgiving is in 6 days,
i decided that for the next of those days
i'll talk about something that i'm thankful for every day.
today i love that family of mine.
i made a really emotional, tough, future changing choice this week.
i was lucky to have a mom
that i could speak to about it all i wanted.
i called my dad to tell him what i decided and he
smiled through the phone.
he told me that wherever this big world takes me
he'll promise to be behind me 100000%
peeps. thats a lot of percent.
my older sister bought me a hot cocoa maker
because its no secret that i can't survive a single 24 hour period
in november/december/january time without a warm mug full of that heavenly stuff!
(haven't missed a day thus far. whoop!)
my older brother took me for a drive
into the mountains so we could touch our first snow
and said a special prayer for me.
my little brother showed me online and all the funny things it has
and made me laugh and laugh and laugh.
my littlest sis told me some very nice secrets
and we've worn necklaces that match every day this week.
of all the things i have, i'm so blessed to have these strong spirits around me
all the time.
they help me be the best i can be.
they are my heros and some of my best friends.
and i'm so lucky!
i'm stuck with this bunch for the rest of eternity!
i love my adopted sister, too.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
for a mom who hugs you when you can't stop crying
and for a friend who listens and cares.
for "i was just praying for you"
and drives with michael buble.
for the reminders that even though people will have their opinions but
if you are happy making changes, make them.
for only getting an hour of sleep
but getting 2 hours to be with that special book and getting to see the sunrise in return.
for warm showers
and things addressed to you in the mail.
for the ensign - conference addition.
for blessings and prayers and knowing your path is guided.
and for the moon and the stars and the beautiful world around you.
and for the knowledge that it was all done just for you.
that every blessing of your day was brought to you purposefully because you are
loved and cared for by that very being who created the
wonders of the heavens. and everything inside them.
"This is the paradox of man: compared to God,
man is nothing; yet we are everything to God."
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
hang in there.
Monday, November 14, 2011
for the words that pass through your brain a million times over
and tickle your voice box and want to be set free.
but you never let them out.
maybe because your scared. scared of being hurt
scared of being pathetic
scared of crying when they decide to peep out.
like that you miss him, even though you just saw him yesterday.
or that it scares you that saying goodbye didn't hurt as bad as you thought.
that its selfish, but you don't want to be let go.
and that somehow you just know you won't let this one go.
like that you've never felt more happiness for anything else.
or how they're always on your mind.
how you're not scared of leaving, you're just scared that he'll move on.
like that you have nothing else to say, but you want to hold his hand and squeeze it real tight. and hope that maybe what your insides are trying to say will make it all the way to his heart.
or that you're done with every one living far away.
like that you miss your mom. and you wish you said 'thank you' more.
or something like, "i love you."
and "i've been crying about you all day."
don't worry, the happy kind of crying.
like that you just want to live with your heart wide open,
or "please don't forget me."
and sometimes its probably better that i just keep all those things inside.
the things that don't need to be said.
"lets fly away."
Monday, November 7, 2011
you know that hole in your heart?
the one that's left over from the packed suitcase
and the lost trust.
you know that thorn in your side?
the one that got stuck because he said that he loved you
and you can't let it go.
you know that break in your leg?
the one that happened because it was your time to shine
and you couldn't open your mouth.
you know the white knuckles?
the ones you got from fears of everyone being right
fears of being inadequate
fears of being alone
fears of being hurt
and fears of not getting over your fears.
well, there's a reason they make such a big deal out of that four letter word we
don't say enough.
because it can take everything away.
and before you know it
you wake up every morning and you read a letter
and you smile when you take the garbage out
and when you look at the moon your heart beats faster
and you feel more yourself than you've ever felt. ever.
and your mom notices that you can't stop smiling
and you feel the need to tell every girl you know that it exists.
and for once in your life
you're not scared of a packed suitcase and goodbyes.
you're not scared of lying.
you're not scared of missed opportunities,
of saying the wrong thing
of driving him away.
and you're not scared to tell your heart to open up
and let it in.
because its safe.
its actually safe.
and you know it.
and i've almost never had more thank-you's in my heart for anything else.
"it feels like home to me"
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
i like monday night visits
to a new baby boy.
i like hugs that are tight
especially when the outside feels cold.
i like nighttime calls on my telephone
and laughing all the time.
i like little songs on the piano
and long drives in the car.
i like writing letters
and letters that get written to me.
i like looking at the moon
and feeling happier than ever before.
i like the kind of happy that fills you right up
the kind that won't let the smile leave your face
or the tingleys leave your tummy.
and the kind that makes you feel safe enough to trust.
i do in-fact,
i think i'm happier than ever before.
"if it gets any sweeter than this
i don't want to know.
i don't want to know."
Thursday, October 27, 2011
when there's only a mile between two hearts,
it can hurt more than when they feel 3,000 miles between them.
though hearts feel lousy when they have 10,000 miles between them, too.
the distance between two hearts, always feels large.
large and empty.
whether its the best friend kind of hearts,
or the family kind of hearts,
or the lover kind of hearts.
whichever way, sometimes two hearts are just meant to be
and maybe that's part of what love is.
"we'll look at the stars when we're together
yeah, it's always better when we're together."
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
the plane descended through the clouds
and all i could see was green.
green and rain clouds
and i was immediately in love.
it smelt like rain
and like autumn
and like the sea.
it tickled my nose and made me smile.
i went in the city where trees grow on the sides of the street.
i fell upon a square where people can do nothing
but find something to be mad about and protest against it.
i looked outside my window and a boat dock
with trees all lit up
and sailboats in the mornings.
i laughed with her harder than i've ever laughed before.
i went on ferries
we stood on the front of it the whole time.
the cold nipped my nose
but i had never felt so free.
i ran along the beach
and i picked up some shells
i looked up and stretched my arms out wide to let my heart feel it all.
i drove far away and watched forests pass on both sides of me
my heart hurt a little, this is his kind of place.
i found a town that was quiet and peaceful
and moss grew on the streets.
i was on top of the world and i saw forests and cities and the ocean.
i plugged a guitar in the wall and i felt like a rockstar.
i saw fish fly.
and i lived every second
and i loved every second.
and then i had to leave every second.
but we an understanding, seattle and i
and as i sat on the front of that ferry
on the very last night
i looked back at that beautiful place
and i gave it a piece of my heart
and i gave it a promise i'd return.
and i keep my promises.
"now all that i want is to be
where you are."
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
it starts out as a beautiful
orange and pink and purple sunset
and then the top of the sky starts to get dark blue.
and it sends off lighter and lighter shades of blue
that get closer and closer to the setting sun
until the night sky over takes everything.
there is a small moment of in-between the two.
the shade of blue at the ends of the sky
is so light
that it looks white and colorless.
and you can see the silhouette of the mountains perfectly.
at this part of the evening
i like to think that the sky is getting stretched to its limits
to make more room for the stars that are gonna fill up the entire sky
and thats why it looks that way.
and the white sky is just yearning for a rest
for blue to overtake it and beautiful stars to fill it up.
it doesn't know it yet,
but i know that
its only going to be a few moments
before the starlight comes and this part of the sky
is more beautiful than its ever been.
last night i watched this happen in the sky yet again.
but this time it was different.
my life, as of late, has been a bit stuck in that white, stretching position.
when all i can really see is the moutains
or the big things ahead of me that are going to be hard.
and i'm just waiting for a rest. for stars to fill me up
and for things to be more beautiful than they ever were before.
what i don't realize is that the first stars to pop up
are the smallest ones.
the ones you can barely see
but the ones that make everything most beautiful.
you have to open your eyes wide to find them
but they inevitably do come.
he sent me a scripture last night,
i read it and i felt rest in my soul
and peace in my heart.
she took me for a drive
and we listened to taylor swift
and the tears that had been welling for so long,
finally came out.
she sent me a text
about space and the moon
and about how thats what friends are for.
i talked to her on the phone
and she listened to me
and i listened to her. and i worried about someone else for a change.
i got to see my darling hawaiian via skype,
she did a hula dance for me
and told me she missed me a lot.
my sky is filling right up with little stars.
little stars blinking and reminding me that the nighttime will come.
that things will be beautiful once again
that the mountains are not big enough to stop me.
and that stretching only makes more room for more blessings.
God knew what He was doing,
filling up that sky with things for me to learn from.
"happy is the heart that still feels
Sunday, October 16, 2011
one of those
when everything you previously thought
was pulled out of your heart on a 4 hour drive.
one of those
when you know something is wrong
and there's no need to talk about it
so all you can do is wait for the tears that are stinging your
eyes to come out and make an appearance.
one of those
when you facebook stalk people that you miss.
and it doesn't make anything easier like you thought.
and you're starting to forget what their voice sounds like.
one of those
when bad things happen to good people.
like your best friend sending off her missionary
and you can't be there to help.
and your other best friend finding out her
mom is sick.
and you can't do anything.
and your family is mad and crying.
and you're stuck.
and somethings making him sad
but you don't know what it is.
one of those
when you're not really sure if anything
is gonna go how you planned it out in life
even just how you planned it out 3 days ago.
one of those
when it was too cloudy to see your favorite moon.
one of those
"and i know the shape of your hands
cause i watch them when you talk."
Thursday, October 13, 2011
well, the lovely kimberly tagged me,
so i guess i'll participate in this little activity.
7 things you might not know about me?
1. i just recently started piano lessons. at 19 years of age.
i can successfully play one primary song. :)
2. i got my first kiss when i was just a few months shy of 16.
its one of my biggest regrets, not waiting till i was of age.
3. the 4th of july is my favorite holiday.
4. last night, i had a dream that i saw astronauts getting ready to launch.
yes, i cried.
5. i hate money. and i can't spend it.
6. he is, in fact, one year younger than i.
7. i like corners. like the corners of rooms. i like to stand in them.
nose facing corner. is that weird?
and hey, go take a look at that moon.
its lighting up the whole sky.
i'm simply smitten with it.
"favoritism aint my thing, but in this situation,
i'd be game to make an exception."
if they feel like participating,
i tag...shelbie, jamie, abigail
Monday, October 10, 2011
the daytime drives
and the sweaters.
the name that's made up
of five letters.
a bench and a pond
at my favorite park.
and waiting to look at the stars
when its dark.
he drives too fast
and i curl up in my chair.
he laughs when i motion
"slow down" in the air.
she slept on my floor
the night that was last.
we talked about everything
mostly the past.
of all the voices that
people let sing.
hers make tears fall and
people always come on the day
that you need them.
God puts them there so you
can try to read them.
we've been waiting for a few weeks to
hear the news.
she got the letter today
and she'll follow my shoes.
he filled up her gas tank
and let her stay in the car.
i don't know if any greater
boys there are.
i told him a secret the day
we first met.
sometimes i get worried he
might start to forget.
but being scared is never the answer to be.
cause love fills your heart up,
it makes you feel free.
Hey Morg, i miss you.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
and it was cold.
i remember being little
him taking me on walks.
he loved autumn.
we would walk, just he and i. my little hand in his.
him raving about the colors of the leaves.
i'd say, "daddy, what kind of a tree is that?
what flower is that?
why do the leaves change?
why are they falling?..."
either he really knew everything
or he made it up.
either way, i was fooled. and he had me wrapped around his finger.
he used to tell me that i would know it was fall
when i took the first inhale and the cold came inside.
not just in my mouth, but all the way down to my lungs.
he used to say, "this is sweater weather" with a big smile on his face,
he'd wear his sweatshirts with his shorts
sandals with socks.
how he looked meant nothing to him.
he'd sing me songs.
primary songs usually.
but sometimes ones he made up
about me and the leaves.
there came a day when red leaves weren't good enough.
life became more of everything of no worth.
and less of everything that mattered.
less to none of each other.
i try not to relive it too much.
no matter how many times it replays in your mind.
sometimes empty spaces, will always stay empty.
my life is beautiful. and i don't mean to complain.
its been almost two years.
but it still gets hard to breathe when the leaves start to fall.
and the tears like to fall with them.
"its so quiet in the world tonight"
Thursday, September 29, 2011
"girls never know how good they deserve,
until they've gotten one who's as good as they deserve."
hearts put up with a lot of things.
a lot of different boys walk in and out of them.
and some time between the walking in and the walking out
an adventure happens.
some hearts just want an adventure. any adventure they can get.
some hearts try and get an adventure that was better than the last one.
some hearts get the best thing the first time around and won't let it walk out.
and some hearts let the wrong thing walk in and out over and over again
because its all they've known,
and its what they've come to believe is all that they should ever know.
and then some hearts find a simply average adventure,
and believe that its good enough to keep forever.
to this heart, the occasional laughter and cute deed
are worth the white lying, and the awkward tension, and the confusion too.
most hearts, i would assume
have gone through almost every one of these stages.
and then one day
he walks in and you have an adventure
the rarest most beautiful kind of adventure.
the kind of adventure where your heart is happy
all the time.
and you know, with all your heart and soul that he'd do anything
to see you happy.
and what he says is what he means.
and he'll be the one that'll be sending you off to bed while he does laundry for you.
he'll accept that you don't understand football
and attend an opera with you if that's what you want.
and he'll love that your feet rub together when you sleep at night
and that they are a size 5.
and that you're OCD about the way you walk on the sidewalk
and that you talk too much.
that one of your highest aspirations is to set foot on the moon.
he'll never make you feel inadequate
because you're not.
he'll remind you he's lucky to have you
because he is.
and when you find one like that,
you'll never go back.
and if you haven't found one like that,
because that one adventure will be worth every single average-ordinary adventure your heart has had before.
"cause i love the way you say good morning, & you
take me the way i am."
Monday, September 26, 2011
to the best weekend ever experienced.
i'm 19. i cried at first.
but a cute boy brought me a space book
and he brought a dark haired girl whom i worhship.
and two of the most beautiful girls i've ever met
showed up with a lion birthday card and
a well dressed cupcake.
my brother took me on a date
to a place with lots of meat.
and i love meat.
and i had to sit on a saddle.
and the best woman made my dreams come true.
yes folks, that lovely thing in those pictures are indeed ACTUAL floating lanterns!
set off with a few of my most favorite peeps.
have i ever been happier?
the answer would have to be
a resounding no.
there was the wedding.
and best friends
who dressed very classy.
and a couple of matching outfits.
a bench swing and a birthday card.
and a walk on the moon.
and a space shirt.
in which pluto is included.
i'm so happy.
to all who made it possible,
long live pluto.
"why can't every day be just