Wednesday, December 26, 2012
it's good to be sappy, i promise. i know.
i'm stronger most times but i'm sappy most times, too.
because it's hard to have lights on and blankets and journals,
heaven knows what we'd do without journals.
but you make me think of yellow thoughts.
yes, yellow, and red, and happy, and sad.
people say that i don't know what love is, and that you can't count on things happening and that time changes everything and that soon you won't even know me at all.
but i guess i don't really care who reads this or who tells
me what they want.
i'm in love with you, darling. or i'm as close as i've ever been.
and i can't believe how far you are. i
can't believe how much you are growing and i can't believe how something
so good can feel so good and so painful and so everything
all in one minute. i can't believe we have these capacities,
us human beings. we feel and we feel
and boy do we feel.
i can't think of anyone else, you know? not in the way or in the colors
or in the place that i think of you.
i can't picture being anyone else's. and i want your mom to be my mom too. and i want your brother to be my brother too. and i want your sister to be my sister too.
and i realize that this is all not in my hands.
i'm trusting in our Creator and i know it's all going to be perfect.
but today i am needy. today i am weak.
today i just want to tell the world that you are the most wonderful thing that
ever walked or jumped or cried or danced on the earth.
and that i love you.
the realest bestest neatest most remarkable kind of love.
but i'm not afraid of it, either.
and i'm not afraid of being afraid at all.
i can cry tonight and i can write these letters that i'll never send and i can
run around in the snow and breathe and feel and hurt.
no, none of this will stop me.
it helps me to live more.
the part of you that is part of me, is the part that gives me courage.
"want to be with you"
Friday, November 30, 2012
i'm tired and i'm scared and falling into everything i see.
i fall into beautiful pictures of far away places,
i fall into letters and handwriting and
flannel blankets and blonde hair and boots.
i'm falling, keep falling, and falling makes the seconds sweep
by and the minutes feel short and the hours feel long.
i feel close to things that are far from me,
and feel far from things that are close.
i dream of stars falling on us and lighting up our skin
and dancing and sitting but never being able to touch.
i dream of clear oceans, white sand, and green moss.
of surfboards and curly hair and of darkness that feels heavy on closed
of fountains and buildings and 73 degree weather.
i fall into fighting battles inside of myself. beautiful battles. beautiful help.
i feel angels around me and hope inside of me.
compassion comes from heartache, joy comes from sorrow, hope comes from adversity.
and that makes every ache and tear and lost eyelash worth it.
doorbells will ring and you'll never know who's on the other side of the door.
but you'll open it and you'll sing and you'll fall over your feet
sometimes. but every day is lovely.
each night sky has a new treasure, a new star, a new moon, a new shade of black
or blue or grey.
and the clouds as they hug the mountains,
and the pavement when it's wet reflects the lights of the city.
the dresses and the flowers and the branches reaching to heaven.
every moment is showing the greatness inside of you.
every moment is showing the greatness of Him who created you.
"slow down, you crazy child. take the phone off the
hook and disappear for awhile."
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
you're in brazil now, and you won't read this, and i understand
cause i won't be sending you letters like this anymore, and you understand.
but i just want you to know that you are missing from me.
like i lost a leg or a lung or something and i'm trying to figure all this out.
call me crazy, but at 11 o'clock yesterday morning i felt a tug at my heart,
and the tug kept getting stronger and stronger till i woke up at 4 this morning
from all the tugging, and i cried and couldn't go back to sleep.
you are so far away from me right now, my heart was being pulled the further
i could feel it, i could feel every mile, every second.
goodbyes are never easy, and i guess "see you later"s aren't either, really.
and in some moments, two years feels like tomorrow,
and in some it feels like two hundred.
but either way, we're moving now, and you're in brazil.
and i'm so happy that you're in brazil!
and i cry and i weep and at times feel like i weigh 311 pounds,
but i'm doing this, and i love you more today than i ever have.
and i love the Lord, and i love that i gave him my heart.
i don't know when i'll hear from you,
and i don't know how you feel,
and i don't know if you're safe or if you're happy or if you're scared,
but i know that He knows. and somehow, that's more than enough.
He's taking care of you, and He's taking care of me.
and although you are missing from me, i am learning that He can fill me up.
hard things are good, for you, you know?
sorry girls, someday i'll stop talking about him.
i just have to get my mushies out somehow.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
i don't remember ever feeling so much inside my 5 foot 2 inch frame,
and i feel kind of like a brat,
because he's not going to afghanistan and he's not dying
and he's not breaking my heart.
but i'm standing at the foot of this mountain and i don't know how to climb up,
and i've always felt stronger with him holding my hand.
but he's about to face his own mountain, and he's a better climber than i am.
i've never felt so cold or scared or strong all at the same time.
missing can never stop you,
i'll never let missing stop me.
not missing you or missing my mom or missing semesters at school.
and i'm going to let my fears help me climb faster,
and when the time is right, i'm going to let them go,
and i'm going to run as fast as i can.
and i'm going to rely on my Heavenly Father and He's going to carry me to the top.
but before i go, before you go, and while we're still here holding hands,
you're the most beautiful person i've ever known.
and you've taken me to heights i never knew i could reach.
and i love every hair on your fuzzy head and every laugh you've ever uttered.
every wave you've ever given, and every smile you've ever shown.
and you're going to change the world, out there.
you change my world every day.
you're the best friend i've ever had.
and i'll never ever forget or regret you.
i'll miss you, and i love you.
thanks for making me who i am.
God be with you, Elder Larson.
"the Lord is on thy side."
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
i've been thinking a lot about heaven lately, you know?
i've been looking at the moon and the stars and the orange leaves and i've
been looking a lot at you.
in heaven you don't have any anticipation, i bet.
you don't wait for hard things and you don't have to.
and i'll paint the sunsets and i'll help it rain and i'll
wait for all of you to be there again.
and we'll all hug each other and be glad that we're done,
that heart aches and heartbreaks and crying are done.
but life is so good, you know? while we are here.
so full of good things. like scars on your hands
and scruffles on your face.
and the way your eyes seem brighter when i see them outside.
life is cuddles and laughing and "remember this, please"
and it's scary and it's funny and it's courage and it's fear.
and you, you're just courage, and just good, and just mine for one second.
and heaven is like this, i'm sure of it, i'm sure.
people like you who laugh at cute things and who kiss your hands goodbye.
i guess heaven is love, and all kinds of love,
like my love for orange leaves, and my mom, and your baby brother,
and my love for you.
but we get to make heaven something else,
we get to forget ourselves for a second, you know?
forget about time and laughing and missing.
and we get to teach, yeah, we get to love people and things much bigger than us.
we get to see how big this whole thing is,
and how much hearts can grow.
we get to make heaven where people are scared.
and you get to go first, and you get to go soon.
you get to go in 6 days,in fact, and i ask only one thing of you.
that you take all that love that you've built up inside, and you make it
grow for everyone you see.
and you tell them the truth and you teach them the way,
and you love them and love them and you give them your heart.
you can give them mine too, it'll be in your pocket.
and one day you'll realize how big your love is.
and you'll almost forget your name, and your house and all the hairs off my head
that get stuck in your car and your jacket and face.
and i will be ok, you know? because you saw how big our hearts could reach.
just take good care, and please be safe, and don't forget
to give it your all.
and i love you, too. and i love that you're happy and excited.
and i love that you're going to be somewhere loving so many people.
i love that you gave it your whole heart.
"i will fly with you, far beyond the moon"
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
"So don't worry about being homesick. Don't worry about being new. Don't worry about the language. None of that matters. It will not matter. God loves you and this is the truth and you can do it! Just reach down, pull up your socks, and go to work. This is a time for you to go out. I plead with you. I plead with you, in the case of the Elders, to have a 24 month mission! Not 23, not 22, not 19, not 16, not 14...to have a 24-month mission! Sisters, you have an 18-month mission -- not 15, not 11, not 6. Start fast. Run hard, and to the tape. You can rest later..."
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
here's my heart,
you should know it pretty well, it's been in your hand for quite awhile now.
it's made up of levels.
layers, more i guess.
some weak parts, some hard parts, some glowing parts,
some just falling apart parts.
i think you've reached a new part, you know?
a layer i didn't know was there.
but it's making me braver and happier and smarter.
it's like i decided to just love you.
i mean, i always have really. i think i loved you before i met you.
i loved this idea and this person in my head
who turned out to be a lot like you.
i loved you when i walked through the subway line and i loved you
when we didn't talk at all.
maybe i just feel like that because so much of me loves you now.
all i feel i can express it with is time
because time is all i've really got.
i guess i don't actually have much of that either.
but i guess what i'm saying is that my life loves you, you know?
the first breath i took in september and the last one i took in november.
and its all filled with love that i decided to let burst.
life isn't about being too scared of goodbye to enjoy today,
you've taught me that,
and i'm finally starting to believe you.
so whether you leave tomorrow or friday
or on the november the 6th,
it doesn't really matter because you've reached a layer that has never been reached.
and that means that i get to be happy about you,
i get to laugh and to cry and to tell you you're the most wonderful thing
i've ever met and that i'm so happy to be apart of your life.
so lucky to be apart of your glorious life.
i get to hug you and wish you the best of luck, and tell you
you're my best friend, and i mean it.
you took away the fear, you know?
and maybe someday i'll look back at this all, and i won't remember it too well.
but i hope i never forget.
forgetting might be something i'm still afraid of.
"you give me something"
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
well you know, life is funny. ok?
because one second you think that you are in a situation that is
going to be the hardest thing,
and then all of the sudden it gets lighter outside and
you can't decide if you're comfortable with it.
you can't decide if your shining brighter now, or if
all you're doing is getting skin cancer and sunburns.
well, one thing you should know about me
is that i'm not particularly brave.
really, i'm not brave at all.
i'm fine in my circumstances and my lovely little comfort zone,
i've made my comfort zone really quite comfortable, you see.
i would live in the same house my whole life if i could,
i'd take showers in the morning and use the same shampoo,
i'd drive the same way to school,
and i'd breathe the same rhythms and i'd love you forever.
and i'd call my mom for an hour every day.
the thing is, it's a little harder to grow in your comfort zone, you know?
too many pillows and happies are stunting my growth.
when i woke up that saturday, i knew it was a special day,
but you know, listening to the prophets is always a special day.
and then he said it and i knew and i cried for a loooonnnng time.
and actually, i'm still crying.
but sometimes that feeling on your heart
and the words that you speak,
and the timing that's too perfect too miss,
and the weakness inside of you,
and the scared and the yuck,
all come to one conclusion. and you have to do what's right for you.
and sometimes doing the hardest thing
is what's right for you.
doing the hardest thing, is what's right for me.
and it's time for me to be brave.
it's time for me to do scary things.
it's time for me to walk out on that limb and jump and trust, and have no idea where i'm gonna land or who's going to help me back up or what shampoo i'll be using,
and just go.
i can do it. i can be brave. i can have faith.
send your prayers this way, ya'll.
"take and seal it, seal it for thy
Monday, October 1, 2012
i get a lot of questions lately,
like "how do you feel?"
"how does 5 weeks left feel?" "how can you be
so dumb as to do this?"
"do you know what you're doing?"
i hope you all know me, you know? and i'm sure you don't
really because this is really just a blog and the number on the side of it
says 77 but i'm sure that there's not that many of you reading it or caring.
but it's becoming about me, you know?
i'm not scared to tell you how i feel and i am feeling
a lot of things right now and so i'll say them out loud.
i feel really good.
i woke up when i was 20 and all of the sudden more things made sense.
i always feel different when i turn a new age and i know that's
weird but i do.
i feel more calm then i've ever felt in my whole life.
i know where i'm going
and i know who i am.
5 weeks left feels better than 2 days left, but worse than "he left 5 weeks ago".
i can't wait to have time under my belt
but i can love every second while he's here.
do i think it's easy? no. i would never use that word to describe my life
right now. but it has an
easiness about it because inside, i can't deny that i'm
doing the right thing.
i've heard all the advice that covers the whole earth it seems, and
i've talked and i've prayed and i've pondered.
but i can't take back the moments i knew that i was doing the right thing.
i remember driving home in february and saying aloud,
"can i really do this?"
and hearing so clear in my mind, "yes,
my daughter, you can do this, but you're going to need me."
i remember the blessings, the mornings, the car rides,
the prayers, the scriptures, the conference talks, the manuals,
i know it's not what everyone does, and at the same time it is what everyone does.
but i hope you will listen to me when i promise you that
i know what i'm doing.
and when i tell you that i would never ever do anything to harm or
to take away from this sweet experience that is going to come.
but i trust in my Father, and i do what i must,
and i'm growing and i'm laughing and i'm struggling a lot.
but it's been an amazing thing to know something hard is going to happen to you.
i listen to talks and i study my scriptures like
i never have before because i want all that
love and that comfort inside of me.
i want it to be so apart of me that i can do hard things and not be scared.
it's a really neat experience to totally hand my heart over to
the Lord. and to trust
that however He wants my heart to feel in 5 months, or 10 months, or 3 days from now,
i'll trust in that.
because i know that whatever happens, He wants me to be the happiest i can be.
with whoever it is, in whatever circumstances it is.
and it's so special to be able to literally give Him my heart.
to dress it up in a suit and a name tag and let it go.
it's been one of the most special experiences of my life.
Here's to a new last, first, lovely month. :)
"i'll be what you want me to be"
Friday, September 21, 2012
20 years tomorrow i popped out into this bright big world and
spread my arms out wide and began being me.
i've been on a bit of a writers block lately, mostly because
i've been doing a lot of changing to my insides.
my brain has been growing and my heart has been growing
and apparently my age has been growing, too, but i didn't quite realize that was happening until it's tomorrow.
so in all this craziness and in all this growing,
here's a list of 19 things i learned while being 19:
1. i'm not always right.
2. i'm not always right.
3. i'm not in charge
4. i don't have it all figured out.
5. i'm not always right.
6. sometimes people i love wake up one morning and they aren't very happy, and
some things that i think are really weird and really impulsive and really
dumb, frankly. but i still love them. love doesn't leave me anymore.
awkwardness comes, and meetings become less frequent, but love
doesn't leave me, it only grows my heart.
isn't that cool?
7. faith over fear. always. no matter what. you write that on your heart and say it
in your mind ten million and 3 times and let it come off your tongue when you are
alone in your car, or with your best friend, or at a concert. it doesn't matter.
just say it. just say it and feel how good that really is.
8. pretty places are a whole lot prettier when you're with pretty people, too.
9. pretty doesn't mean that your face has perfect symmetry, or that you
don't have burned pieces of hair on your head. pretty doesn't mean
that you have perfect skin or are taller or skinnier or have freckles.
pretty means that you have a big heart. and that people laugh when you laugh.
pretty is light in your eyes and pink on your cheeks and a smile that
feels just right.
i've said that all along. but i believe it now.
10. i'm not always right.
11. goodbyes are hard. but the more goodbyes i give away, the closer
i am to more hellos.
12. be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it.
you just might get it all.
every little painful bit of it.
13. God gets me. He knows me. and He'll never ever forget me.
neither will His Son. i know it. i know it with all that i am.
14. if something in your life is poison, please throw it out.
just throw it out, and fill it with flowers.
the kind that smell like heaven.
15. if your socks don't match, or your hair never gets done,
it's nbd. really.
16. keep your mouth shut as much as you can. some of the most beautiful moments
happen when it's silent.
17. if you want to be friends with someone, tell them if you stalk them on facebook.
tell them if you've always wanted to be friends. tell them if you had
a dream about them last night. it might sound creepy,
but it always works.
18. honesty always works. owning up to your weaknesses,
is one of the most beautiful things that is done.
19. hearts and minds growing are not such a bad thing,
even if the numbers you are turning are getting so big that they scare you.
hearts and minds growing are the best part of 19.
and probably the best part of 20, too.
"i still love you"
Monday, August 20, 2012
i'm hurt by things i shouldn't be hurt by
like the way your eyes look at him and the way he forgot what i said,
i cried the night i saw you all for no reason at all really
it was just cloudy in my head.
i wish i had the courage to say, "you're shooting yourself in the foot, and i'm sorry"
or "alkdjflaskjdfa;lkjwe;faije;fjlxckjvlkajsdf;wiejf;aowiejf;aoijdsfkj" (because that's how i feel inside but unfortunately it can't be said)
i want to wish on the wind and have it take me far away and more far away and more far away.
and if it took me far away, i'd wish you were there with me.
yes, if it took me far away, i'd want you to see the things i'd see.
we'd see people doing good
and we'd learn how to build a house out of mud.
and we'd teach the people why our faces shine and why we
ever started speaking to each other and how we sang in the car and what a car was.
we'd be adventurers, you and i.
and i'd forget all the mistakes i've made and friendships i ruined.
i'd forget all the complaints about the president,
or the way our lives are too fast paced.
i'd forget that i let my nerves get the best of me. that i wanted to protect someone so much that i forgot to love his lover.
we'd ask the trees about what they thought love was. they've seen a lot of
love over a lot of time, you know?
and we'd talk about the first time i knew God was real. and you'd tell me about that night when you cried.
and the milky way would be bright.
and the people i know would only have good things to say about me.
they'd forget it all. all of it. every last thing.
and if i died right there i'd be happy. and i hope no one would be sad.
i hope they'd all get together for a dinner and they'd laugh about things i said.
and maybe they'd remember walks in the canyon
or facts about stars
or even how scared they were of me, or how scared i was of them.
but i hope they'd remember that i loved them.
every one of them.
i hope you'd remember that i love you.
i hope you'd remember that wherever i am, i'm doing good things.
wherever i am, i'll save a run away and a mud hut for you.
and wherever you are, you keep doing good things too.
"and i told you to be patient,
and i told you to be kind"
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
4 legs, 2 tummies,
4 knees and only 2 of them are with freckles.
together we're something people stare at,
they watch us when we laugh or when you move the hair out of my face.
they are the sound of blinds on the windows,
and "don't count on it"s in your head.
together we are happy, and we forgot that people watched us anyways.
and there's roots inside me. i feel them pulling as they grow
and sometimes it doesn't feel good and sometimes i just want to be held,
but you help them grow, you know? i feel like i have small feet when i am with you
but i feel insides growing outter and taller and loving more
things and people and laughing more too.
i think you're glorious, mostly.
and i think that you might be one of my favorite things about myself.
it's sounds cliche, sweetheart,
but i think you might be the reason the sun is so bright.
and the clouds love you so much that they
blanket the sun to make you happy.
and it rains for you, too.
it rains just for you, it washes the earth, just for you.
and the rain kisses my bare feet
and i feel you so close to me i can almost smell you.
and honey, i think our backs would fit
perfectly on that crescent moon.
we could lay there together with our hands
interlocked and feel like everything
is fitting perfectly because it is, because we do.
and sometimes you say things that i don't understand,
and sometimes you don't
need to say anything at all, which i don't understand.
but i understand you, darling. i understand everything about you. i understand what you mean when you look up and when you look away after i kiss you. i understand your
hands and your freckles and your hair and how all you want is for me to look at you while i'm crying. i understand your memory, and what it remembers and why.
i understand how your heart beats, i understand your eye rubbing and your high pitched talking when you say something serious. i understand why you're
quiet when you walk inside and why you open your mouth when you play the piano.
i understand that, darling, i understand all of you.
what i don't understand is why i can't tell you what that means.
i don't understand why words don't come out when i need them,
and why all i can do is cry and look at the stars.
but i love you, you know? and i think everything about you is just what i love.
yes, everything about you is just what i love.
and maybe the best part about us is that we feel things bigger than words.
"i feel lovely, just the way that i am."
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
and i sat in an old beat up wagon
that is 3 years older than i am and has more rust than color.
and you know,
one hundred and two degrees and sunshine and no conditioning
to the air makes you think, you know?
about brownies and ice cream and raspberries and jokes,
and about planets and heaven and nebulas and where you're gonna be in 5 months
and how many words i'm going to write on lined paper and how many
pictures i want to take and how many
conversations i want to hold in my heart.
it makes you think of flowers and fishes and lily pads
and dragon flies and hand holds and brazilian shampoo.
and you know something else?
if you're in 102 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 80 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 55 degrees and you believe in something,
or in any degrees and you believe in something,
you should hold onto that thing and you should believe in it until
you can't breathe anymore. you believe it and you
become the best you can be and learn you learn how to recognize miracles.
you shake your head and you let light fly out of the ends of your
hair and you tell everyone you see what you know.
and climb mountains,
not just figuratively but literally,
go climb them and run around them and shout how you feel from the top.
and then remember to let some things stay in.
and don't forget to say, "i love you" every time you feel it.
"lucky i'm in love with my best friend"
Thursday, June 28, 2012
i just want to run and run and run until my legs
won't move anymore
and then i want to lay on the ground and
i want to spread my arms out wide and open my chest
and i want the moon to hug me and tell me i'm ok,
and that i'm ok being alone and that the cotton in the air
and the smoke on the mountain will all be ok.
i want to look at the face of everyone and i want to see everything inside them.
i want it laid out in piles. piles of secrets and
aspirations and dreams.
did you know that God is so real?
did you know that one of the reasons i know He's real is because i know people?
did you know that people are the greatest proof of God
and that people are the greatest proof of the devil?
and he and she and you and i and we and them and all of us get
to choose who we're going to have more of in us.
and if i laid on the ocean and you got to open me up
and you got to hear all of my secrets and all the things i've done,
and the things i want to do, and all the things i've loved.
you would see both in there, that's for sure.
but you would see more of God.
and if i laid on the ocean tomorrow and you opened me up again,
you would see more of God today than you did yesterday.
and i guess that i can't play sports,
and i don't sing very well and i didn't keep practicing the piano.
and i don't like when your far away and i don't like missing everything,
and i don't like that you're so much stronger than me,
and i get frustrated and mad and well, weird.
but i'm trying to let God in more and more.
and i'm trying to see God in you more and more.
and you make me want to let him in more and more every day,
don't you know He's filling you right up?
"and you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea"
Sunday, June 17, 2012
there's an ideal in people's minds, you know?
especially in mine.
and maybe i didn't picture that ideal to look like this,
you know? maybe it looks purple when i thought it was supposed to be blue,
and i think that's how it feels on this day.
but i'm starting to realize that purple can still be beautiful.
and i owe a lot to the blue part that started my life.
and learning to love a new color is harder than you might think,
i'm getting there.
always getting there.
i love my purple, i love my dad,
no matter what, i love my dad.
but open your ears and listen to me.
if your dad loves you,
and if your mother is his number one,
and if playing catch with you is more important to him
than views and money and magazines and hair,
i hope you said "thank you" today.
i hope you hugged him and wrote him a letter and i hope that you sat on his lap.
i hope you laughed with him all day,
i hope you heard, "i'm proud of you" a couple times, too.
remember how it feels to have that power in your home.
remember stories from work and remember him listening to you sing.
and please, remember how it looks when he holds your mom's hand.
remember all those memories and hold them tight,
and say another "thank you" from me, too.
happy father's day.
Monday, June 11, 2012
my life isn't about this thing that i write on,
or about you or about me of about my little brother's ninetendo games.
it's not about fluffies and kitties and puppies
or even the way my hair looks at nighttime, or the way my only freckle is forgotten.
it's not about painting walls, it's not even about smelling flowers,
it's not about running or water bottles or never forgetting your name.
i guess my life is about all of this too,
i guess it's about all of that and more.
my life is more about what happens when i open my mouth and what i'm saying
and what you're saying
and the certain color hue the room seems to turn whenever we're speaking like that.
it's about sunshine and nice-ness
it's about learning how to fix the things about myself that make my nose turn up.
it's about trying to love the things that are right about me, too.
it's about books, and learning, and temples, too.
maybe i has something to do with summertime, and healing, and learning how to be a listener.
maybe it's feeling Heavenly Father's love for me, and feeling your love for me too.
it's about getting older, because it's happening all the time,
but it's about being alive, because if you're alive, getting older doesn't matter, you know?
it's about how i tell myself i'm ok all the time,
i tell myself i don't miss you and don't want to and you're having a good time,
and it's about learning it's ok to not be strong all the time.
i guess it's about colors and laughter and the fact that one of us saw rockets today.
and i said prayers and i took a long shower and for a second i forgot how sore my legs were.
and maybe in that we are ok,
i think somewhere in rockets and "love you"'s and long showers and flowers,
and prayers and prayers and more prayers, too.
i am always going to be ok,
and so are you.
"can't do it alone, i've tried, and i don't know why"
Saturday, June 9, 2012
while i'm sleeping and i'm curled up so tight,
if you felt my feet move all night long and they pulled on your baby leg hairs
and the froze up your calves and your tibial nerve, too
would you love me still?
if you saw me when i woke up and my hair was all over my head,
and maybe i didn't get all of last night's adventures off,
and maybe i have little black spots from eyeliner and mascara and other things that i used to feel prettier,
and i have a few yucky bumps growing on my nose and my cheek and my hairline,
if you saw all that, would you still love me?
if you saw me when i lost my cool and i took it out
by being short with my little sister
and i got mad at her for wearing earrings i wasn't going to wear anyways,
would you still love me?
because even if i saw you all sprawled out with your blankets in a mess,
and even if that lovely hair on your head started to fall out
and you maybe looked older and you maybe lost your biceps and you maybe got some dirt
on your face, too,
and even if you were bleeding and tired or were far far away,
and even if the hair grew back on your legs,
and even if you make dumb mistakes every day,
i would still love you. and i would love how real you were.
and even if we got older and weirder,
and i would still love how groggy your voice sounded when you croak out a "goodnight",
and i would scratch all your itches and i would read you good books,
and i would pat your bald head and i would hug you more tight.
cause i love it all and i love all it could become,
because there would just be two of us humans and we'd just be falling in love.
"and you take me the way i am"
Thursday, June 7, 2012
i want to wear a sparkly dress, you know? but then again i don't.
mostly i want to wear a flowy white dress and i want my face to shine like i was wearing a sparkly dress.
i want you to look at me and to know without a doubt that i feel about you so deeply.
i want you to know that my faith is bigger than me and that i'm happy.
i'm happy every day. and i'm learning to forget all the fancy stuff.
the fancy stuff can be the prettiest stuff,
it can make you go fast and look cool and have a better brown shade of skin.
it's amazing because it looks like everything, everything you could ever need and feel,
kind of like a sparkly dress.
and then you get it, and you realize that you still want to go faster,
and look cooler, and you always want to be a darker shade of brown on your skin.
but it doesn't matter because it doesn't fill you up like love fills up your eyes and hair and makes you face shine like a
all i want is for you to see all that love flowing out of my eyeballs
and i want you to know that i think you are the most wonderful thing.
i'd give away all the sparkly dresses and faster things and cooler things
and the brown that i don't have on my skin,
just so you would know that i love you and that i'm more happy when i'm
sitting here and laughing with you and hearing you and smelling you and hugging you in comfy clothes.
and whenever i have the sniffles, you're the one that i want right there
and when i itch my eyes i want you to be the one who laughs.
i guess you're part of the simple things,
the simple things are the things worth keeping,
the things we don't have to try for.
the things that just are perfect because they are.
something like sunsets and flowers
and seeds that get put in the earth and somehow they grow.
those are things that never get taken, those are the things that make you feel the most.
"but it's more than one and one makes two."
Thursday, May 31, 2012
and one second your here and he's in a robe and a hat
and gold strings around his neck
and you're oh so happy and lovely and everything is sunny too.
and then you are laughing and taking
pictures and being together and breathing together and so much together.
and then you're excited because it came in the mail
and you squeak and can't breathe and maybe cry a little, too.
then you know and you hear and you feel all that, "...what?"
and you laugh and you eat and you
sit next to a cute boy with a drink that is taller than him
and it's orange, too.
and i guess what i'm saying is that's the thing about life,
you run and you jump and there's a lot of spining in there too.
and then sometimes you get confused.
and a little voice inside of you says, "i was nice and cozy in here, you know? i
had the 'best' plan figured out and this isn't what i thought..
why isn't this what i thought?"
but then you look at orange fantas,
and you remember how his eyes lit up when he tried to pronounce that lovely place.
and that's what it's all about anyways,
because Heavenly Father knows more than Laura Cottrell does.
He knows more than you do, too.
and everything is perfect, just how it is.
and i trust Him with everything that i am,
i trust him with my heart and the boy who has it, too.
and man i love brazil.
"consider the lilies of the field, how they grow"
not only is hannah my cutest little friend,
not only is she amazing and wonderful and
makes all of the fuzzies of her heart fall on you and tickle your nose,
she is also my girl when it comes to blog design.
isn't she so talented?
thank you, han, for all that you do :)
not only is hannah my cutest little friend,
not only is she amazing and wonderful and
makes all of the fuzzies of her heart fall on you and tickle your nose,
she is also my girl when it comes to blog design.
isn't she so talented?
thank you, han, for all that you do :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
so what do i say to you now that i'm looking at you
and words don't come out how i want.
i just look at you and feel you breathe and to us that means,
"i love you."
and i love you for who you are today
and who you're going to be tomorrow,
and all the tomorrows after that.
and maybe i won't see all of those tomorrows, you know?
in fact, i know i won't.
but i'll keep on loving the way your lips fit over your teeth
and the way you hug me the moment we get outside
and the way your face lights up when i walk in the room.
i'll keep thinking of days in the sunshine and nights looking up at the sky.
and wind and thunder and storms are for us to watch
to tell us that we are safe when we're together,
but we're still safe when we're apart.
and i think the sun is kissing us because he knows that we want to be warm,
and he knows that you see the sun and i see the sun and i talk to him sometimes, too.
i say, "kiss him today, i love him too much, and i can't keep him warm all the time."
and he says, "i know", and "i promise" and "ill do what i can,
because i take care of lovers that way.
there are lovers in germany and japan and brazil and lovers in russia, too.
there are lovers down your street and lovers by the ocean and
i'm bright enough to warm them all."
and maybe these colors make rainbows in my mind
and i like the way you look at me under street lights,
and maybe it's been a year since my heart started beating outside of myself,
but all these colors and wonders and planets
mean less to me than you do.
and maybe if i could be anywhere right now it would be wherever your heart is
and wherever your life is,
and i'd whisper how i felt ten million and three times. and maybe you'd get that this love feeling is big
and it fills up everything that i see and everything that i have seen,
and everything that i have been,
and everything that i am.
there are no prettier things than moments that you can hold onto in your palm and wrap around your fingers,
and that's what i think of you.
we're the prettiest thing, and we are wrapped around my fingers,
and the only other thing i want wrapped around my fingers is you.
"and the wonder of it all is that you just don't realize
how much i love you."
Saturday, May 5, 2012
heaven looks a lot like this,
like a moon that's big and lights up the sky.
the kind of bright that is bright enough to make
a grown man's or a young girl's or a
grandmother's eye get caught and say, "hey that's bright!"
and stop breathing and start asking questions
about brightness and moons
and life and God.
heaven looks a lot like this,
like telescopes and stars and you.
and laughing and kissing and smiling too.
it looks like, "it's just how it looks in my books!"
or "you and the moon on the same day" and
"lets go there someday."
but mostly it's the star that's right below mars,
and the crater that makes this like an orange.
heaven looks a lot like this,
like confidence and calm.
like even when its cold outside,
jackets and blankets and warm.
heaven looks like this, you know,
like questions and wonders and love.
heaven looks a lot like this, yes,
heaven must have a sparkle of this.
"look how they shine for you."
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
my life was full of too many colors
and too many things i don't need.
i was full of doubts and scares and pain
because i was so scared of pain.
it's something like sitting on a power line and waiting to be shocked,
it's like diving into the ocean and waiting for
the salt to sting your eyes,
it's like waiting for your heart to break.
and then i realized that blue was the color of the back of your mind,
and behind all the A's and the sports and the freckles and the dreams,
its blue, like the sky on a perfect day,
and maybe blue is the color of the back of my mind, too.
maybe behind all the fears and the doubts and the B's and the blonde,
is the perfect blue to match with your perfect blue.
and maybe in that we are happy,
and maybe that's why our heads like to touch.
and maybe that's why the sky makes us so happy.
and maybe that's something you don't find every day.
and maybe i only have a few seconds left, and maybe even less than that,
but blue is the color of the back of our minds.
"would you walk to the end of the ocean,
just to fill my jar with sand."