Monday, October 1, 2012
i get a lot of questions lately,
like "how do you feel?"
"how does 5 weeks left feel?" "how can you be
so dumb as to do this?"
"do you know what you're doing?"
i hope you all know me, you know? and i'm sure you don't
really because this is really just a blog and the number on the side of it
says 77 but i'm sure that there's not that many of you reading it or caring.
but it's becoming about me, you know?
i'm not scared to tell you how i feel and i am feeling
a lot of things right now and so i'll say them out loud.
i feel really good.
i woke up when i was 20 and all of the sudden more things made sense.
i always feel different when i turn a new age and i know that's
weird but i do.
i feel more calm then i've ever felt in my whole life.
i know where i'm going
and i know who i am.
5 weeks left feels better than 2 days left, but worse than "he left 5 weeks ago".
i can't wait to have time under my belt
but i can love every second while he's here.
do i think it's easy? no. i would never use that word to describe my life
right now. but it has an
easiness about it because inside, i can't deny that i'm
doing the right thing.
i've heard all the advice that covers the whole earth it seems, and
i've talked and i've prayed and i've pondered.
but i can't take back the moments i knew that i was doing the right thing.
i remember driving home in february and saying aloud,
"can i really do this?"
and hearing so clear in my mind, "yes,
my daughter, you can do this, but you're going to need me."
i remember the blessings, the mornings, the car rides,
the prayers, the scriptures, the conference talks, the manuals,
i know it's not what everyone does, and at the same time it is what everyone does.
but i hope you will listen to me when i promise you that
i know what i'm doing.
and when i tell you that i would never ever do anything to harm or
to take away from this sweet experience that is going to come.
but i trust in my Father, and i do what i must,
and i'm growing and i'm laughing and i'm struggling a lot.
but it's been an amazing thing to know something hard is going to happen to you.
i listen to talks and i study my scriptures like
i never have before because i want all that
love and that comfort inside of me.
i want it to be so apart of me that i can do hard things and not be scared.
it's a really neat experience to totally hand my heart over to
the Lord. and to trust
that however He wants my heart to feel in 5 months, or 10 months, or 3 days from now,
i'll trust in that.
because i know that whatever happens, He wants me to be the happiest i can be.
with whoever it is, in whatever circumstances it is.
and it's so special to be able to literally give Him my heart.
to dress it up in a suit and a name tag and let it go.
it's been one of the most special experiences of my life.
Here's to a new last, first, lovely month. :)
"i'll be what you want me to be"