Friday, January 25, 2013
i sit on a bench and i look at all of you,
you're all running, all hurting, all crying inside,
all slipping and tripping but mostly just hurrying.
what happened to sunshine?
what happened to us?
remember when we would run to the car just because we wanted to see
who had more spring in their step?
we used to dance in public, because i liked that you liked to
do that too.
remember when january was for sledding and bundling
and snowballs and forts?
when school was just a place for jump rope and getting chased by boys?
remember when fear didn't exist? when night lights could fix
all the pain?
when i thought i'd be beautiful and lovely and charming,
i thought i'd be strong and brave and fearless.
i thought i'd have brown hair, and a kid by now. i thought i'd
be travelling to ireland and spain. i thought i'd
have freckles and glasses and a larger foot size. i thought i'd wear make up and curl my hair on wednesdays. i thought i'd be an astronaut.
and no, i don't believe i'm really any of those things. i don't think
20 years was enough to become all those things.
but what i am is a 5 foot 2 inch, size 5 feet, grey blonde haired thing,
and i'm scared to go on a mission.
i love a boy in brazil and i miss him all the time.
i wear make up on sundays, and sometimes on saturdays if i decide to be with people.
i have a lot of friends, but the only ones i hang
out with live in my house. i still text my older brother "i love you, goodnight".
i'm learning to forgive my dad, and let go of my mom,
i'm learning to put on more layers, to read more books, to stop dying my hair so blonde.
i'm learning to embrace every person, to hug them and tell them i'm proud of them and God loves them and they will do great things.
i'm learning the power of time. i'm learning the importance of it. i have 19 days left
and i'm so grateful for time. i haven't seen him for like 85. we're 25 days into the year and it's 2013. 1 and 1 can equal 5 and i've seen it because 2 hearts can do a lot of good, if you know what i mean.
i watch the sky and i stare at pictures and i can't wait till i'm up there and i'm swimming in it all. and i can't wait to see you there. will you meet me on the moon?
i rub my feet together when i go to sleep, and i twitch when i finally get to sleep.
i search for sleep all night long, and when i find him i feel
more human than ever. because we all find sleep each night, we all rub our
feet or count sheep or think of kisses until we find sleep.
but what i need is prayers, you know?
you might not know me very well, but basically i love you, and i
love that you read what i write. so please, raise your voice.
when you pray will you say "laura is scared, will you help her?"
"laura needs to go to mississippi, will you send her angels?"
and whenever i see you next i will kiss your cheek and thank you for
helping me to have strength to fulfill my dreams.
because if i can go to mississippi and teach people what i know and love,
it might even be more of a dream than sleeping on the moon.
you forgot how to spell my name and i forgot how to say "do i?"
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
you're lost, i feel like, since you're so far away.
i don't even know how to tell you what's happening to me.
it's hard, darling, because i so love you.
i remember when i used to spout out the first thing that came to my mind
and your eyes lit up and you
always beamed like everything i had to say was as important as
words could ever be.
i loved that, you know. maybe i miss that most of all.
or maybe it's the way you would say "yeah" kind of airy and nod your head
really fast and purse your lips.
maybe it's just the way you looked at me right before you said,
"see you soon" and you had tears in your eyes and you wouldn't
let me go.
or the way you wrote "r + l" on my windshield and i can't
but i think what it really is right now, is that i'm missing a part of me,
a part that you understand, a part that has courage, and a part that
i fear climbed in your pocket while i wasn't looking.
i look at the stars at night and i make wishes that you'll be ok,
i make wishes that we'll be ok,
and i ask the moon to not forget us.
but how could anything forget us, you know.
we lived out of our bodies and we lived like we only could together.
i've got stars in my hood, and you've got light in your eyes,
hopefully one day we put them back together again,
and we swim in the sky and we light it back up.
maybe we'll light it up in a way that only we can, and the whole world
will see how love can light up the world.
in 29 days i'll be out there too, and maybe that will light it up
a little bit more
maybe one day, we'll see each other again.
"i remember it all too well"
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
it's so foggy in here.
it's so grey, its so new.
i'm not unhappy, no. never unhappy, only confused and scared
and a little bit chilly.
the sun makes me happy, the sun might be in love with me, because
whenever he decides to tell me good morning,
my morning seems more happy and my shoes seem less squeaky.
i see beautiful pictures and things rehearse in my mind,
i remember every word you said, i think. and if
i don't remember it then i have it written down.
i can't read it yet though, because it makes my heart feel purple,
purple and heavy and fuzzy, too.
someone told me once that you have to make yourself do the things you are
scared of. i thought they meant bunji jumping, skydiving,
giving speeches, or dancing with a stranger.
i think what they meant now was forgiving someone who hurt you,
or learning to laugh at your mistakes,
or asking forgiveness, and writing letters that take all your restraint.
i think they meant to climb mountains, even if you have to climb alone,
and when you say, "Lord, i'll give you all my life, just
tell me where to go"
when He says "mississippi" i think it means you should go.
i think it means phone calls, and "i love you no matter what"s.
and "please don't hurt yourself anymore" i think it means
reading, and eating salad, and loving even though people will hurt you.
days keep flying and slowing down all at the same time.
and i'm still falling and i'm not sure if i've been caught.
words fill me up until i can't stop anymore, and i think if i'm scared of letting
them out, i should do that too.
time passes and before you know it, it's 2013 and you've got 6 weeks ahead of you
and almost 5 weeks and 6 days.
what do i want you to know about me? what do i want you to remember?
i'm safe, not scary. i don't run too far away.
i don't run fast either, and i take every precaution that i can.
i braid my hair when i want it to leave me alone, and i grow it because
long hair is beautiful to me.
i want freckles on my nose and i want a raspier voice,
and i wish i only thought good thoughts about everyone and i wish i never
let fear and nasty things build up inside of me. i wish i knew how to
understand myself enough that i could understand the way your eyelashes curl,
or the way your toes freeze when it's december.
i wish i could feel the air that you feel and see the moon that
you saw on christmas eve.
mountains and hills and horses and coves, things i wish i had done.
it doesn't really matter now, because today is new.
because this year is new.
because we forget things every few seconds, and that scares me, you know?
so make it all good. and make it all yellow. and dance
and be brave, and love him even when it has to fill up an ocean.
remember the squeak in his voice and the freckle on his neck
and remember that some things are bigger than you.
it's not so bad to have things that are bigger than you.
happy new year.