you'll say "ok"

it's so foggy in here.
it's so grey, its so new.
i'm not unhappy, no. never unhappy, only confused and scared
and a little bit chilly.
the sun makes me happy, the sun might be in love with me, because
whenever he decides to tell me good morning,
my morning seems more happy and my shoes seem less squeaky.
i see beautiful pictures and things rehearse in my mind,
i remember every word you said, i think. and if
i don't remember it then i have it written down.
i can't read it yet though, because it makes my heart feel purple,
purple and heavy and fuzzy, too.
someone told me once that you have to make yourself do the things you are
scared of. i thought they meant bunji jumping, skydiving,
giving speeches, or dancing with a stranger.
i think what they meant now was forgiving someone who hurt you,
or learning to laugh at your mistakes,
or asking forgiveness, and writing letters that take all your restraint.
i think they meant to climb mountains, even if you have to climb alone,
and when you say, "Lord, i'll give you all my life, just
tell me where to go"
when He says "mississippi" i think it means you should go.
i think it means phone calls, and "i love you no matter what"s.
and "please don't hurt yourself anymore" i think it means
reading, and eating salad, and loving even though people will hurt you.
days keep flying and slowing down all at the same time.
and i'm still falling and i'm not sure if i've been caught.
words fill me up until i can't stop anymore, and i think if i'm scared of letting
them out, i should do that too.
time passes and before you know it, it's 2013 and you've got 6 weeks ahead of you
and almost 5 weeks and 6 days.
what do i want you to know about me? what do i want you to remember?
i'm safe, not scary. i don't run too far away.
i don't run fast either, and i take every precaution that i can.
i braid my hair when i want it to leave me alone, and i grow it because
long hair is beautiful to me.
i want freckles on my nose and i want a raspier voice,
and i wish i only thought good thoughts about everyone and i wish i never
let fear and nasty things build up inside of me. i wish i knew how to
understand myself enough that i could understand the way your eyelashes curl,
or the way your toes freeze when it's december.
i wish i could feel the air that you feel and see the moon that
you saw on christmas eve.
mountains and hills and horses and coves, things i wish i had done.
it doesn't really matter now, because today is new.
because this year is new.
because we forget things every few seconds, and that scares me, you know?
so make it all good. and make it all yellow. and dance
and be brave, and love him even when it has to fill up an ocean.
remember the squeak in his voice and the freckle on his neck
and remember that some things are bigger than you.
it's not so bad to have things that are bigger than you.




happy new year.
love, laur