Friday, November 30, 2012
i'm tired and i'm scared and falling into everything i see.
i fall into beautiful pictures of far away places,
i fall into letters and handwriting and
flannel blankets and blonde hair and boots.
i'm falling, keep falling, and falling makes the seconds sweep
by and the minutes feel short and the hours feel long.
i feel close to things that are far from me,
and feel far from things that are close.
i dream of stars falling on us and lighting up our skin
and dancing and sitting but never being able to touch.
i dream of clear oceans, white sand, and green moss.
of surfboards and curly hair and of darkness that feels heavy on closed
of fountains and buildings and 73 degree weather.
i fall into fighting battles inside of myself. beautiful battles. beautiful help.
i feel angels around me and hope inside of me.
compassion comes from heartache, joy comes from sorrow, hope comes from adversity.
and that makes every ache and tear and lost eyelash worth it.
doorbells will ring and you'll never know who's on the other side of the door.
but you'll open it and you'll sing and you'll fall over your feet
sometimes. but every day is lovely.
each night sky has a new treasure, a new star, a new moon, a new shade of black
or blue or grey.
and the clouds as they hug the mountains,
and the pavement when it's wet reflects the lights of the city.
the dresses and the flowers and the branches reaching to heaven.
every moment is showing the greatness inside of you.
every moment is showing the greatness of Him who created you.
"slow down, you crazy child. take the phone off the
hook and disappear for awhile."
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
you're in brazil now, and you won't read this, and i understand
cause i won't be sending you letters like this anymore, and you understand.
but i just want you to know that you are missing from me.
like i lost a leg or a lung or something and i'm trying to figure all this out.
call me crazy, but at 11 o'clock yesterday morning i felt a tug at my heart,
and the tug kept getting stronger and stronger till i woke up at 4 this morning
from all the tugging, and i cried and couldn't go back to sleep.
you are so far away from me right now, my heart was being pulled the further
i could feel it, i could feel every mile, every second.
goodbyes are never easy, and i guess "see you later"s aren't either, really.
and in some moments, two years feels like tomorrow,
and in some it feels like two hundred.
but either way, we're moving now, and you're in brazil.
and i'm so happy that you're in brazil!
and i cry and i weep and at times feel like i weigh 311 pounds,
but i'm doing this, and i love you more today than i ever have.
and i love the Lord, and i love that i gave him my heart.
i don't know when i'll hear from you,
and i don't know how you feel,
and i don't know if you're safe or if you're happy or if you're scared,
but i know that He knows. and somehow, that's more than enough.
He's taking care of you, and He's taking care of me.
and although you are missing from me, i am learning that He can fill me up.
hard things are good, for you, you know?
sorry girls, someday i'll stop talking about him.
i just have to get my mushies out somehow.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
i don't remember ever feeling so much inside my 5 foot 2 inch frame,
and i feel kind of like a brat,
because he's not going to afghanistan and he's not dying
and he's not breaking my heart.
but i'm standing at the foot of this mountain and i don't know how to climb up,
and i've always felt stronger with him holding my hand.
but he's about to face his own mountain, and he's a better climber than i am.
i've never felt so cold or scared or strong all at the same time.
missing can never stop you,
i'll never let missing stop me.
not missing you or missing my mom or missing semesters at school.
and i'm going to let my fears help me climb faster,
and when the time is right, i'm going to let them go,
and i'm going to run as fast as i can.
and i'm going to rely on my Heavenly Father and He's going to carry me to the top.
but before i go, before you go, and while we're still here holding hands,
you're the most beautiful person i've ever known.
and you've taken me to heights i never knew i could reach.
and i love every hair on your fuzzy head and every laugh you've ever uttered.
every wave you've ever given, and every smile you've ever shown.
and you're going to change the world, out there.
you change my world every day.
you're the best friend i've ever had.
and i'll never ever forget or regret you.
i'll miss you, and i love you.
thanks for making me who i am.
God be with you, Elder Larson.
"the Lord is on thy side."