Tuesday, January 17, 2012
i have 4.5 drafts in my folder and i don't want to publish them
because nothing that is coming out of my lips
or out of my fingers, rather,
actually make sense.
and i feel odd.
its like how it feels to have mascara on your pillows
because your eyes keep leaking.
its like how i feel when shelbie leaves her watch on the desk
and i know she does because i can hear it tick-tocking wherever i go.
and i don't know if its just in my head, or if its really that loud.
its like when i lay on my bed and i can feel my heartbeat
a billion beats per minute
and no matter how slow i try to breathe, it won't calm down.
its like a boy who melts me.
its the thoughts that run through my head when i'm cleaning the bathroom
or picking out a shirt to wear
or when i'm doing anything really.
and it sounds like this. like rambling and loving and breathing
and reading and all of my "to do's" and the names of the planets and their orbits and their rings and their proximity to the sun.
and 6 songs that explain me and how i feel about life and how on earth i made it to today.
its like when i get in my car and i listen to the news or music that is weird
but reminds me that i'm growing up.
its like wondering why i stopped gaining inches in 6th grade while everyone
else kept going.
and there's a piece of my heart that is scared that one day we'll be like everything else that i've ruined. and we'll be far apart and i'll forget the sounds of people's voices.
its like how i want to deliver babies and see mama's and dad's eyes get red when they hold the newest member of our planet which happens to have his nose and her eyes. and for a second the love in that room will be so real that we all get chills. because two people who loved each other finally became one thing the whole world can see.
love will become life. right in front of us.
its like knowing that no matter how sad or happy or scared or mad i am,
i have a foundation. i have love. and one day i'll be able to live in the stars.
"& my hearts beating like a steamboat tugging."
Thursday, January 5, 2012
of all the things that we don't know about life
we do know that one day
it will end.
and when it does
your comfy bed
and your pricey boots
and the nugg at the bottom of the stairs
won't be yours anymore.
we don't really own anything.
because you will leave and they will stay.
all that we actually have for our own,
are the hours that we're using right now
and the minutes that are in our rear view.
but don't let that depress you,
because time is one of the most beautiful things that we've ever been given.
the wisdom that comes with any passing of time
is simply priceless.
and that means that sometimes i just want to be 80
to have a wrinkle on my face for all of the things i've experienced
and to look at the sky and realize i have so much more figured out
than my 19 year old self did.
and to know that i made it through.
but when i'm 80 i won't be able to swing on swings
or run through parks
or jump off stairs.
and that's why i do that
because one day when i'm old and gray,
i'll remember how it looked with the blonde hair on my face
and the sunshine shining through it,
and i'll remember jumping off the stairs of my front porch
and hearing that giggle from behind.
i'll think of the dancing in public
and the sleeping in too late.
and the butterflies that i got in my stomach.
and i'll smile, because i did all that i could
to the best i could.
that i laughed and i sang and i fell in love.
i had no idea what i was doing,
but i did good things and i breathed deeply and i squinted at the sun
i forgave myself and i forgave others
and i really earned those laugh lines.
that's how i want now to be remembered.
"don't be scared its only love that we're