Tuesday, January 17, 2012
its like this.
i have 4.5 drafts in my folder and i don't want to publish them
because nothing that is coming out of my lips
or out of my fingers, rather,
actually make sense.
and i feel odd.
its like how it feels to have mascara on your pillows
because your eyes keep leaking.
its like how i feel when shelbie leaves her watch on the desk
and i know she does because i can hear it tick-tocking wherever i go.
and i don't know if its just in my head, or if its really that loud.
its like when i lay on my bed and i can feel my heartbeat
a billion beats per minute
and no matter how slow i try to breathe, it won't calm down.
its like a boy who melts me.
its the thoughts that run through my head when i'm cleaning the bathroom
or picking out a shirt to wear
or when i'm doing anything really.
and it sounds like this. like rambling and loving and breathing
and reading and all of my "to do's" and the names of the planets and their orbits and their rings and their proximity to the sun.
and 6 songs that explain me and how i feel about life and how on earth i made it to today.
its like when i get in my car and i listen to the news or music that is weird
but reminds me that i'm growing up.
its like wondering why i stopped gaining inches in 6th grade while everyone
else kept going.
and there's a piece of my heart that is scared that one day we'll be like everything else that i've ruined. and we'll be far apart and i'll forget the sounds of people's voices.
its like how i want to deliver babies and see mama's and dad's eyes get red when they hold the newest member of our planet which happens to have his nose and her eyes. and for a second the love in that room will be so real that we all get chills. because two people who loved each other finally became one thing the whole world can see.
love will become life. right in front of us.
its like knowing that no matter how sad or happy or scared or mad i am,
i have a foundation. i have love. and one day i'll be able to live in the stars.
"& my hearts beating like a steamboat tugging."