we are too fast.

i sit on a bench and i look at all of you,
you're all running, all hurting, all crying inside,
all slipping and tripping but mostly just hurrying.
what happened to sunshine?
what happened to us?
remember when we would run to the car just because we wanted to see
who had more spring in their step?
we used to dance in public, because i liked that you liked to
do that too.
remember when january was for sledding and bundling
and snowballs and forts?
when school was just a place for jump rope and getting chased by boys?
remember when fear didn't exist? when night lights could fix
all the pain?
when i thought i'd be beautiful and lovely and charming,
i thought i'd be strong and brave and fearless.
i thought i'd have brown hair, and a kid by now. i thought i'd
be travelling to ireland and spain. i thought i'd
have freckles and glasses and a larger foot size. i thought i'd wear make up and curl my hair on wednesdays. i thought i'd be an astronaut.
and no, i don't believe i'm really any of those things. i don't think
20 years was enough to become all those things.
but what i am is a 5 foot 2 inch, size 5 feet, grey blonde haired thing,
and i'm scared to go on a mission.
i love a boy in brazil and i miss him all the time.
i wear make up on sundays, and sometimes on saturdays if i decide to be with people.
i have a lot of friends, but the only ones i hang
out with live in my house. i still text my older brother "i love you, goodnight".
i'm learning to forgive my dad, and let go of my mom,
i'm learning to put on more layers, to read more books, to stop dying my hair so blonde.
i'm learning to embrace every person, to hug them and tell them i'm proud of them and God loves them and they will do great things.
i'm learning the power of time. i'm learning the importance of it. i have 19 days left
and i'm so grateful for time. i haven't seen him for like 85. we're 25 days into the year and it's 2013. 1 and 1 can equal 5 and i've seen it because 2 hearts can do a lot of good, if you know what i mean.
i watch the sky and i stare at pictures and i can't wait till i'm up there and i'm swimming in it all. and i can't wait to see you there. will you meet me on the moon?
i rub my feet together when i go to sleep, and i twitch when i finally get to sleep.
i search for sleep all night long, and when i find him i feel
more human than ever. because we all find sleep each night, we all rub our
feet or count sheep or think of kisses until we find sleep.
but what i need is prayers, you know?
you might not know me very well, but basically i love you, and i
love that you read what i write. so please, raise your voice.
when you pray will you say "laura is scared, will you help her?"
"laura needs to go to mississippi, will you send her angels?"
and whenever i see you next i will kiss your cheek and thank you for
helping me to have strength to fulfill my dreams.
because if i can go to mississippi and teach people what i know and love,
it might even be more of a dream than sleeping on the moon.





you forgot how to spell my name and i forgot how to say "do i?"
love, laura