soak

i found myself in the sunshine, you know?
the sky all lit up and all warm.
i thought i was fine in the gray and the cold and the scare and the everything else.
but then the sun came outside
and i knew what was missing
and all i want to do is feel it and smell it and
for it to kiss my face.
weeks can make you suffocate, and feel scared
scared that your brain really is as big as your hands, which really isn't big enough,
and feel sad, and feel alone, and feel empty.
and the white walls and gray faces and the cigarette smoke,
it makes you feel small and it makes you forget life.
forget to live it, breathe it, learn it, and mostly to love it.
but the sun brings you back to what is warm and good
and the sparkles shoot right out of the stars and right into your heart.
and even the petals grow out of the wood
and you look, and you smile, and you live.







"don't you worry your pretty little mind."
love, laura

there is no definition

for what you feel inside your beating little heart,
there just aren't words for smiles on faces and whiskers on chins,
and soft hair and cold noses.
but i believe its something like crying,
salt water falling out of your eyes,
and having someone there to hold you close
and kiss your forehead,
and get mascara
all over their shirt.
i believe its something like mars in the sky right now,
red and beautiful and out there all alone.
i believe its something like lion king,
well, you know what i mean.
i believe its something like conference weekend, you know?
like families and words and words
and words and spirit and priesthood and missions and food.
i believe its something like, "i ate vegetables every day this week."
cause i have. and i know its only wednesday, but i have.
would you be proud?
i believe its something like holding hands,
holding hands and running through the grass
and falling on your backs because you have too much love in
your tummy and too many stars are in the sky.
i believe its something like us, darling,
i believe its something like us.








"someday baby, you and i."
love, laura

hear me, please.

there's moments that make you a little leaf that's very shaky,
and you don't need to be a leaf,
you just need to be you and be happy and stop being so worried
about cold weather and grades and
test scores and a boy who wants to tell you everything.
and you need to stop thinking about time ticking
and about people leaving and
about things that hurt and are wrong and are scary.
and you need to hug more.
and when you hug, you should hold on as tight as you can.
and you should hold onto them as long as you can and you should be quiet and let
yourself remember that sometimes, these things mean more than all the words
that always are overflowing your mouth.
and when you are upset, or you get hurt by something silly
by someone you never thought would hurt you,
take a second or two or twenty and listen to them. and maybe they never thought they would hurt you either. maybe they didn't hurt you at all.
and when your head feels fuzzy,
go talk to mom.
no, don't wait till tomorrow,
go talk to mom, now.
and when you look outside and it looks nice,
go out there and breathe. breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out. and fill up your lungs and feel your lungs fill up.
and when you love someone, tell them. and tell them a lot.
and tell them when you miss them and when you want to kiss their lips. and
smell them and smell them and smell them and don't forget how it smells.
and for heavens sake, when you want to go home,
go home.
dream dream dream dream dream and dream and keep on letting your dreams get bigger.
and stop being scared of everyone who knows more than you.
because you know a lot of things. you know things that no one knows.
and if you can't hear me, read it out loud,
because i want you to hear me and know that i mess up but i'm bigger than this,
and that my heart is too. and i need to relax, but i love and live and love.
remember you aren't perfect, and they aren't either, will you?
remember that sometimes things are worth the fight.
but mostly, remember you are wonderful.
you are. yes, you. and i am. and we are. and
well,
lets just go ride some bicycles and forget all this mess, shall we?


"come here, let me hold you."
love, laura

honestly,

i could tell you everything.
well i couldn't really, but i could try.
in fact, i do try. i try and i try and i try,
and you and i both know that it won't ever come out exactly how i want it.
however, i keep trying
because sometimes i look outside at the stars and the sun
and i feel the marvelous breeze on my face
and i miss you.
and people tell me that this is something special
and i think everyone thinks that about themselves
and in a way we're all right about that.
but isn't it always special to feel?
and all i know is that the best thing to be is honest.
and the funny thing is that my honest is strewn all over the pages of this blog
and in my journal and in my heart
and all over my face and arms and fingernails and
so everyone gets to see it.
i guess what i'm saying is i honestly can't hold it in all the time.
the fact that i feel so many emotions inside of me
and i believe in so many things, and i want to be so many things,
and do so many things.
mostly though, i want to be with you.
i want to laugh and cry and climb trees and feel grass on our backs
and feel kisses on our lips.
because that's what we are. and that's who we are.
and there's something about tight hugs that is more than you smelling good
or me smelling good
its us together and we smell good,
we smell like love.
and love can smell lots of different ways and it touches lots of different noses
and that's something very personal and wonderful
for each one.
but i knew the second i smelled it, that it was love.
and its what i smell when we are close
and i sometimes smell it on my lips long after you leave.
honestly,
i'm a mess for all this.




"it sounded familiar in a way"
love, laura

i know.

and i wish i ran marathons and climbed mountains
and i even wish my hands and feet were larger in size.
i wish freckles danced around my lips and that i wore shoes that were taller and
that i never forgot to tell you happy birthday or anniversary or even to have a good evening when it was after 7.
theres a lot of things that i don't know how to do, you see.
and being perfect is number one on that list.
a lot of things i'm still figuring out,
but i know that the wishes that are the most beautiful
are the ones made when your eyes are closed
and kisses are always sweetest when they are soft.
and there's something about whispers in your ear that makes everything mean a lot more.
and i know that i dream of honey bees and cities and tiny grains of sand,
and somehow you're always there and we're always laughing and laughing and loving our hearts out
and i guess thats a lot like how i hope real life would be if i just had the time and the you.
i know that nothing is better than sunshine on my face
and that canyons are quiet when you're all by yourself.
i know that living was meant to be like this. and sometimes being like this hurts.

basically what i'm saying is that my name is laura,
and i'm not sure if today will end up being a good day or a bad day because i can feel things in me and i know that change is coming.
but there's something to be said for picking up trash when its sunny outside,
and thinking you're gonna die of secondhand smoke.
and there's something to be said for boys and girls who have broken hearts and who
keep breathing anyways because they believe
love will find them again.
and you might not know me and i might not know you,
but what you should know is that i'm happy with who i am and where i'm going
and that when i do things i do them with all of my heart,
and that means loving people and leaving people and
writing blog posts too.
and sometimes its a hard way to be
for it can make your lungs fill up with ashes and
your eyes fill up with salt.
but no matter what, i've got the sunsets,
and
prayers in my heart and
that makes me feel strong.

and once you make it in my head,
you're going to stay there forever and ever
and we'll spin and jump until it makes me feel sick,
but that's how my brain works and you
still won't get out of it.
no matter how much i push and pull.
you're there.



"i pray its not wasted"
love, laura