and i can't sleep tonight

maybe its because the best woman that ever lived
worked and worked and experienced and loved, and then
was left by the one she loved more than anything
and she still tells me she believes that a beating heart can find another heart who won't leave you, and won't make you feel small,
and that your hearts will get bigger with time.
maybe its because that makes me want to whisper, "will you love me forever?"
because i just want to hear the word, "yes"
just so that i can know that someone can.
maybe its because i push all those fears and wonders under my spleen and they sit there and wonder and grow and seep through my skin.
they crawl and then they creep and then they touch me and then it hurts.
but then i hear you and i see you and our socks make contact
and you hug me and laugh and your eyes attempt to cross.
and maybe you're one of the reasons i know that God knows me so well,
because He gave me something that brought out all the good things
i didn't know i had.
and He gave me something to dance with
and to trust enough to catch me after i do back flips over your shoulder.
He gave me something that helps my fears go away.
without even a "yes" or even a question near as serious.
and the air that i breathe out is different for that
and the way i hold my head up
and the way i rub my eyes when they can't be opened
and the way i don't care when the strings on my head are messed up beyond repair,

its faith,
its courage.



its what you give me.

and one day i'll figure out how to tell you
and show you,
and put my hand on your face and have all of my thankful fill up your cheeks,
i'll tell you that you helped heal me,
that you made me feel bigger than i am.
and you'll know that i'm serious,
even though i'll smile the whole time.
and maybe by then i'll have the words to tell you everything i feel.
and maybe then my mind will be able to sleep.


"beating out of my chest"
love, laur

love, love, love.

i'm not talking about the ultimate kind.
the kind that comes from 27 years of sleeping in the same bed
and being true to each other
and having babies that look like the two of you.
that kind is lovely. and that kind is real.
but it'll be a long time before i can explain to any one what that kind is like.
no, i'll tell you about the love that fills up my heart
the kind that is him and the kind that is me.
this kind of love is a lot of things.
this love is being friends. the best kind of friends.
its looking up at the sky and wishing for someone else.
its laughing and smiling and crying on the phone.
love is racing up the stairs
and being ok with losing.
love is fragile words,
words you know can break at any wrong turn of the head,
so you carefully say them and
you gently accept them
and then you put them in that thumping thing inside of your chest
and it pushes those words to every part of you,
to your toes and your eyes and your laughs and your split ends,
and also your lips,
and it makes them feel heavy.
love is bigger than me,
its bigger than you,
its bigger than him.
love fills up the skies and the oceans and everything that he looks at.
love is the breath before he kisses you when you can
feel it coming out of his eyes.
love is the air that fills up the pocket in between your
intertwined fingers.
the air that overflows
as it spills out the gaps between the two of you
and lands on your shoes
and makes you feel like running faster and spinning too.
love is what happens when you start praying for someone else
more than you even pray for yourself.
love is when it feels so magical that it has to be real,
and it feels so real that you almost can't believe that it is.
but of all the things that love is,
it surely is calm.
its the fact that you know that wherever he goes
your heart is in his pocket
but you know he won't hurt it.
and you know that wherever he is
he's doing something wonderful
and he's in the most wonderful place,
because everywhere he goes is wonderful.
love is knowing that one day
he'll be very far away
and you'll forget how each other sounds for a little while.
but love is a boy who loves God more than you.
yep,
i assume love is a little something like this.




"and everything under the stars
is in your arms."
love, laura

female.

because when i was created it was decided that i would be one.
and there's a lot of things to be happy about and to yell about and to be proud
about because we are women and we're a pretty big deal.
but because i am a girl--or at least thats where the blame gets put--
i have these rather minuscule windows in time
where things are simply hard.
because you open your eyes and you see beautiful people
and they have perfect skin and small waistlines and lips that are full.
or they know all the rules of grammar.
and not all of their sentences start with And, But or Or.
or people are naturally in love with them, they have cool hats and shoes and every kind of person is drawn to them.
or you see them sitting in the library
for hours and hours because they like to read
because they like to have knowledge
because for them, an A- isn't good enough.
and you look up and down and you spin in a few circles
and somehow, sometime, you end up looking at yourself in the face.
and all you can see is long blonde hair that
is breaking and stringy and in desperate need of a shower,
and bumps on your nose and
you start wondering when your eyebrows started growing clear over there.
and the voice inside of you whispers, "you're just a girl, just an average
girl with too big of dreams and too little of hands"
and you inhale those words
and that wasn't very smart to do,
because you know what happens when you breathe those things in.
you see, words are magic in a way,
they fill you right up.
and their favorite place to get comfy is the front of your head
and there they will stay as long as they're fed.
and no matter how many bagels you eat, or trips you make home, or jokes you laugh at,
you still hear them through the muffled soundtrack of your mind.



but then something happens to you.
because you wake up on a february morning
and you slide off your yellow sheets and you sit on your knees,
and you say "i need you right now.
i need to feel like i'm important right now.
and i know that its silly to ask, but i do."
and then you open your eyes
and guess what?
that big beautiful sun that warms us all up,
it was made for you.
and the trees and the kittens and the mountains,
those were made for you, too.
and the sand and the ocean
and the smells of a movie theater,
and compliments that flood in from people who love you a lot,
its all for you. every particle of this place is for you.
and the reason that we don't need to be scared of dying
and the reason its love that fills up your heart and
the feeling of fresh air on your elbows,
its all here because you are.
because you are and i am.
and because we are everything to The Creator of all of it.
The Creator of everything and anything and everything's everything.
you're that important.



"oh. i feel your heartbeat."
love, laura

i wish for you

sunlight in february
and dry socks on your feet.
i wish you days that bring you to your knees
and to the temple on top of the hill.
i wish for you kisses in the moonlight
the kind that give you shaky knees when you walk inside.
i wish you A's on your math tests
and nike sweatshirts.
and rugs that feel good on bare feet.
i wish you new books that strike your fancy
and speedy wipers on your windshield when its gray.
hair that is messy
and chills on your arms.
i wish you advice from your mama
and old friends too.
and compliments on days when you didn't even try at all.
i wish you hope for your future
and smiling memories in your rear view
and nights spent looking up at the sky.
i wish you happy thoughts at nighttime
and leggings to bed
and lots of hair piled up on top of your head.
i wish you cuddles and footsies
and even some nuzzling
and someone who loves you, and hugs you, and tells you.
long naps,
short talks,
the perfect amount of nickles in your pocket
and phone calls goodnight.
ponytails and giggles and a quote that makes you think.
postage stamps, feather coats, and chocolate shakes.
i wish you homework-less sundays
a mouth full of words that sound lovely,
and a tummy full of ice cream.
i wish you every happy thing.
every happy thing and more.

happy february, peeps.



"i'll love you for a thousand more."
love, laura