i guess it's time,

well hey, i'm still alive and i am in utah and i
actually live in a little apartment under a restaurant and i'm also here to tell
you that the boy that i used to write about is actually
my husband now and that happened to me about 3 months ago.
it was the best day and the best boy and the best life and
all of the sudden lately i have been thinking "i need to blog"
and then i think "no one does that anymore and you can't just pop up and say something whenever
you want when you have been gone for years"
and i guess i felt like blogging was for perfect lives and dreams and i didn't know
how to do it anymore with my faults and my fears and my
unfashionable clothes.
but i'm doing it anyway, because i love you and i love to write.
so stay tuned for life by me and a boy named reese.

love, laur

home.

Oh, how I missed you.

I ran away for awhile,
I went to the south. you know. Mississippi.
I fell in love with strangers,
and I found cotton fields and trees and the ocean a time or two.
and I found me, i thought.
and now its over.
it flew right by.
and now i'm sitting here thinking,
"wait, what happened?" and "what do i do now?"
they say it's normal,
but it's a bit overwhelming to me.
i feel lost in a fashion show in
crowded hallways and expensive pages.
and i'm losing.
i'm getting lost in the mountains,
in the iphones,
in the skinny jeans.
i get up each day, I smile and i pray.
and i'll make it through,
i always do.





love, laur

here comes goodbye.

lovely humans who read these words, who read, who sing, who
listen to my words.
all of you, i love you. i really truly do.
i won't be here for a second or two.
actually more like ten trillion seconds or more.
but i just wanted to say thanks, and keep following, because when i get back
i'll have much to share.
keep your prayers this way and keep your heads high.
wink at the moon when you see it, and enjoy your shorts in july.
be the best you you can be, and laugh at yourself
when all you want to do is cry.
keep the faith, and only love when it's with all your heart.
live life out loud, and don't ever let a day go by
without saying "i love you" at least one time.

and
"God be with you till we meet again."
love, laura





sister cottrell, i mean.

9 more, honey suckle.

you read that right, and i hope it made your heart jump a little
because heaven knows my heart is falling to my feet and coming out my ears and i can't even
keep a hold on that thing anymore.
i write letters to some imaginary person and it's scared how fast you feel that
you have forgotten someone and how somehow they have forgotten you.
i'm thrilled we got silver rings on our fingers so that when you hold bananas i can
see that you still remember me, and somehow we still remember each other somewhere, sometimes, so long ago.
all i ever talk about is fear and love and somehow they are so close to each other
it's almost scary and lovely at the same time.
but i'm not going to talk about that here today because i only have a few
more things to say to you and your lovely face and i just
want to talk for a second, ok?
i've fallen in love with a lot of things and a lot of people and a lot of
life.
but i don't know if i've loved many things as much as i love the sunshine.
when it creeps up the mountain and i know that God loves me and wants me to be warm and wants you to be warm, too.
there's nothing like the 4 people who grew up with me and
called me names and pushed me down.
there's nothing like the 4 people who helped me grow the most.
there's something about snowfall that makes the air more quiet and the nights more blue
, and something about wet hair and shoveled drive ways that
makes you forget who you are.
i don't really know what else i learned this week except that God is so real and so here right now.
and it's because all you lovely people knelt by your beds and blessed laura.
and now i hope that you can do that even more and that you wish on stars for me and on yellow lights for me,
but i won't ask you to use birthday candles on me.
but i need you, and i need this. and mississippi needs me. and i won't see snow air for a long time.
but i need to fall in love with more things i haven't seen yet.
like people who say "ya'll" and twinkies that are fried.
like a girl who will sleep in the same room as me and i don't even know her name yet.
like ugly shoes and long skirts and sweat rolling down my back.
like the hair on my head that had to turn back natural and made me cry.
people say you learn from scary, and that you grow from tears.
people say there's still stars in the south and that mail still works there, too.
but guess what i'm saying is this is hard but i can't stop myself.
my heart is beating and i need help and i need sleep and i need a bigger suitcase.
but time keeps ticking and people keep leaving and i know that you love me somewhere.
and eyelids fill with sparkles if you close your eyes and count to ten
and when you open them you make the world so pretty and i'm so lucky i get to see it sometimes.
so don't forget to wish and pray and don't forget how beautiful you are.
you must never forget how beautiful you are.




"let him go, bluebird"
love,laur

we are too fast.

i sit on a bench and i look at all of you,
you're all running, all hurting, all crying inside,
all slipping and tripping but mostly just hurrying.
what happened to sunshine?
what happened to us?
remember when we would run to the car just because we wanted to see
who had more spring in their step?
we used to dance in public, because i liked that you liked to
do that too.
remember when january was for sledding and bundling
and snowballs and forts?
when school was just a place for jump rope and getting chased by boys?
remember when fear didn't exist? when night lights could fix
all the pain?
when i thought i'd be beautiful and lovely and charming,
i thought i'd be strong and brave and fearless.
i thought i'd have brown hair, and a kid by now. i thought i'd
be travelling to ireland and spain. i thought i'd
have freckles and glasses and a larger foot size. i thought i'd wear make up and curl my hair on wednesdays. i thought i'd be an astronaut.
and no, i don't believe i'm really any of those things. i don't think
20 years was enough to become all those things.
but what i am is a 5 foot 2 inch, size 5 feet, grey blonde haired thing,
and i'm scared to go on a mission.
i love a boy in brazil and i miss him all the time.
i wear make up on sundays, and sometimes on saturdays if i decide to be with people.
i have a lot of friends, but the only ones i hang
out with live in my house. i still text my older brother "i love you, goodnight".
i'm learning to forgive my dad, and let go of my mom,
i'm learning to put on more layers, to read more books, to stop dying my hair so blonde.
i'm learning to embrace every person, to hug them and tell them i'm proud of them and God loves them and they will do great things.
i'm learning the power of time. i'm learning the importance of it. i have 19 days left
and i'm so grateful for time. i haven't seen him for like 85. we're 25 days into the year and it's 2013. 1 and 1 can equal 5 and i've seen it because 2 hearts can do a lot of good, if you know what i mean.
i watch the sky and i stare at pictures and i can't wait till i'm up there and i'm swimming in it all. and i can't wait to see you there. will you meet me on the moon?
i rub my feet together when i go to sleep, and i twitch when i finally get to sleep.
i search for sleep all night long, and when i find him i feel
more human than ever. because we all find sleep each night, we all rub our
feet or count sheep or think of kisses until we find sleep.
but what i need is prayers, you know?
you might not know me very well, but basically i love you, and i
love that you read what i write. so please, raise your voice.
when you pray will you say "laura is scared, will you help her?"
"laura needs to go to mississippi, will you send her angels?"
and whenever i see you next i will kiss your cheek and thank you for
helping me to have strength to fulfill my dreams.
because if i can go to mississippi and teach people what i know and love,
it might even be more of a dream than sleeping on the moon.





you forgot how to spell my name and i forgot how to say "do i?"
love, laura

29 days,

you're lost, i feel like, since you're so far away.
i don't even know how to tell you what's happening to me.
it's hard, darling, because i so love you.
i remember when i used to spout out the first thing that came to my mind
and your eyes lit up and you
always beamed like everything i had to say was as important as
words could ever be.
i loved that, you know. maybe i miss that most of all.
or maybe it's the way you would say "yeah" kind of airy and nod your head
really fast and purse your lips.
maybe it's just the way you looked at me right before you said,
"see you soon" and you had tears in your eyes and you wouldn't
let me go.
or the way you wrote "r + l" on my windshield and i can't
erase it.
but i think what it really is right now, is that i'm missing a part of me,
you know?
a part that you understand, a part that has courage, and a part that
i fear climbed in your pocket while i wasn't looking.
i look at the stars at night and i make wishes that you'll be ok,
i make wishes that we'll be ok,
and i ask the moon to not forget us.
but how could anything forget us, you know.
we lived out of our bodies and we lived like we only could together.
i've got stars in my hood, and you've got light in your eyes,
hopefully one day we put them back together again,
and we swim in the sky and we light it back up.
maybe we'll light it up in a way that only we can, and the whole world
will see how love can light up the world.
in 29 days i'll be out there too, and maybe that will light it up
a little bit more
and
maybe one day, we'll see each other again.




"i remember it all too well"
love, laura

you'll say "ok"

it's so foggy in here.
it's so grey, its so new.
i'm not unhappy, no. never unhappy, only confused and scared
and a little bit chilly.
the sun makes me happy, the sun might be in love with me, because
whenever he decides to tell me good morning,
my morning seems more happy and my shoes seem less squeaky.
i see beautiful pictures and things rehearse in my mind,
i remember every word you said, i think. and if
i don't remember it then i have it written down.
i can't read it yet though, because it makes my heart feel purple,
purple and heavy and fuzzy, too.
someone told me once that you have to make yourself do the things you are
scared of. i thought they meant bunji jumping, skydiving,
giving speeches, or dancing with a stranger.
i think what they meant now was forgiving someone who hurt you,
or learning to laugh at your mistakes,
or asking forgiveness, and writing letters that take all your restraint.
i think they meant to climb mountains, even if you have to climb alone,
and when you say, "Lord, i'll give you all my life, just
tell me where to go"
when He says "mississippi" i think it means you should go.
i think it means phone calls, and "i love you no matter what"s.
and "please don't hurt yourself anymore" i think it means
reading, and eating salad, and loving even though people will hurt you.
days keep flying and slowing down all at the same time.
and i'm still falling and i'm not sure if i've been caught.
words fill me up until i can't stop anymore, and i think if i'm scared of letting
them out, i should do that too.
time passes and before you know it, it's 2013 and you've got 6 weeks ahead of you
and almost 5 weeks and 6 days.
what do i want you to know about me? what do i want you to remember?
i'm safe, not scary. i don't run too far away.
i don't run fast either, and i take every precaution that i can.
i braid my hair when i want it to leave me alone, and i grow it because
long hair is beautiful to me.
i want freckles on my nose and i want a raspier voice,
and i wish i only thought good thoughts about everyone and i wish i never
let fear and nasty things build up inside of me. i wish i knew how to
understand myself enough that i could understand the way your eyelashes curl,
or the way your toes freeze when it's december.
i wish i could feel the air that you feel and see the moon that
you saw on christmas eve.
mountains and hills and horses and coves, things i wish i had done.
it doesn't really matter now, because today is new.
because this year is new.
because we forget things every few seconds, and that scares me, you know?
so make it all good. and make it all yellow. and dance
and be brave, and love him even when it has to fill up an ocean.
remember the squeak in his voice and the freckle on his neck
and remember that some things are bigger than you.
it's not so bad to have things that are bigger than you.




happy new year.
love, laur

i miss you, like every day

it's good to be sappy, i promise. i know.
i'm stronger most times but i'm sappy most times, too.
because it's hard to have lights on and blankets and journals,
heaven knows what we'd do without journals.
but you make me think of yellow thoughts.
yes, yellow, and red, and happy, and sad.
people say that i don't know what love is, and that you can't count on things happening and that time changes everything and that soon you won't even know me at all.
but i guess i don't really care who reads this or who tells
me what they want.
i'm in love with you, darling. or i'm as close as i've ever been.
and i can't believe how far you are. i
can't believe how much you are growing and i can't believe how something
so good can feel so good and so painful and so everything
all in one minute. i can't believe we have these capacities,
us human beings. we feel and we feel
and boy do we feel.
i can't think of anyone else, you know? not in the way or in the colors
or in the place that i think of you.
i can't picture being anyone else's. and i want your mom to be my mom too. and i want your brother to be my brother too. and i want your sister to be my sister too.
and i realize that this is all not in my hands.
i'm trusting in our Creator and i know it's all going to be perfect.
but today i am needy. today i am weak.
today i just want to tell the world that you are the most wonderful thing that
ever walked or jumped or cried or danced on the earth.
and that i love you.
the realest bestest neatest most remarkable kind of love.
but i'm not afraid of it, either.
and i'm not afraid of being afraid at all.
i can cry tonight and i can write these letters that i'll never send and i can
run around in the snow and breathe and feel and hurt.
no, none of this will stop me.
it helps me to live more.
the part of you that is part of me, is the part that gives me courage.



"want to be with you"
love, laura

time and beauty and a little pain, too.

i'm tired and i'm scared and falling into everything i see.
i fall into beautiful pictures of far away places,
i fall into letters and handwriting and
flannel blankets and blonde hair and boots.
i'm falling, keep falling, and falling makes the seconds sweep
by and the minutes feel short and the hours feel long.
i feel close to things that are far from me,
and feel far from things that are close.
i dream of stars falling on us and lighting up our skin
and dancing and sitting but never being able to touch.
i dream of clear oceans, white sand, and green moss.
of surfboards and curly hair and of darkness that feels heavy on closed
eyelids.
of fountains and buildings and 73 degree weather.
i fall into fighting battles inside of myself. beautiful battles. beautiful help.
i feel angels around me and hope inside of me.
compassion comes from heartache, joy comes from sorrow, hope comes from adversity.
and that makes every ache and tear and lost eyelash worth it.
doorbells will ring and you'll never know who's on the other side of the door.
but you'll open it and you'll sing and you'll fall over your feet
sometimes. but every day is lovely.
each night sky has a new treasure, a new star, a new moon, a new shade of black
or blue or grey.
and the clouds as they hug the mountains,
and the pavement when it's wet reflects the lights of the city.
the dresses and the flowers and the branches reaching to heaven.
every moment is showing the greatness inside of you.
every moment is showing the greatness of Him who created you.







"slow down, you crazy child. take the phone off the
hook and disappear for awhile."
love, laur

i could feel it.

you're in brazil now, and you won't read this, and i understand
cause i won't be sending you letters like this anymore, and you understand.
but i just want you to know that you are missing from me.
like i lost a leg or a lung or something and i'm trying to figure all this out.
call me crazy, but at 11 o'clock yesterday morning i felt a tug at my heart,
and the tug kept getting stronger and stronger till i woke up at 4 this morning
from all the tugging, and i cried and couldn't go back to sleep.
you are so far away from me right now, my heart was being pulled the further
you went.
i could feel it, i could feel every mile, every second.
goodbyes are never easy, and i guess "see you later"s aren't either, really.
and in some moments, two years feels like tomorrow,
and in some it feels like two hundred.
but either way, we're moving now, and you're in brazil.
and i'm so happy that you're in brazil!
and i cry and i weep and at times feel like i weigh 311 pounds,
but i'm doing this, and i love you more today than i ever have.
and i love the Lord, and i love that i gave him my heart.
i don't know when i'll hear from you,
and i don't know how you feel,
and i don't know if you're safe or if you're happy or if you're scared,
but i know that He knows. and somehow, that's more than enough.
He's taking care of you, and He's taking care of me.
and although you are missing from me, i am learning that He can fill me up.
hard things are good, for you, you know?






sorry girls, someday i'll stop talking about him.
i just have to get my mushies out somehow.
love, laura

i don't remember

i don't remember ever feeling so much inside my 5 foot 2 inch frame,
and i feel kind of like a brat,
because he's not going to afghanistan and he's not dying
and he's not breaking my heart.
but i'm standing at the foot of this mountain and i don't know how to climb up,
and i've always felt stronger with him holding my hand.
but he's about to face his own mountain, and he's a better climber than i am.
i've never felt so cold or scared or strong all at the same time.
missing can never stop you,
you know?
i'll never let missing stop me.
not missing you or missing my mom or missing semesters at school.
and i'm going to let my fears help me climb faster,
and when the time is right, i'm going to let them go,
and i'm going to run as fast as i can.
and i'm going to rely on my Heavenly Father and He's going to carry me to the top.
but before i go, before you go, and while we're still here holding hands,
you're the most beautiful person i've ever known.
and you've taken me to heights i never knew i could reach.
and i love every hair on your fuzzy head and every laugh you've ever uttered.
every wave you've ever given, and every smile you've ever shown.
and you're going to change the world, out there.
you change my world every day.
you're the best friend i've ever had.
and i'll never ever forget or regret you.
i'll miss you, and i love you.
thanks for making me who i am.
God be with you, Elder Larson.






"the Lord is on thy side."
love, laur

how are you doing?

i've been thinking a lot about heaven lately, you know?
i've been looking at the moon and the stars and the orange leaves and i've
been looking a lot at you.
in heaven you don't have any anticipation, i bet.
you don't wait for hard things and you don't have to.
and i'll paint the sunsets and i'll help it rain and i'll
wait for all of you to be there again.
and we'll all hug each other and be glad that we're done,
that heart aches and heartbreaks and crying are done.
but life is so good, you know? while we are here.
so full of good things. like scars on your hands
and scruffles on your face.
and the way your eyes seem brighter when i see them outside.
life is cuddles and laughing and "remember this, please"
and it's scary and it's funny and it's courage and it's fear.
and you, you're just courage, and just good, and just mine for one second.
and heaven is like this, i'm sure of it, i'm sure.
people like you who laugh at cute things and who kiss your hands goodbye.
i guess heaven is love, and all kinds of love,
like my love for orange leaves, and my mom, and your baby brother,
and my love for you.
but we get to make heaven something else,
we get to forget ourselves for a second, you know?
forget about time and laughing and missing.
and we get to teach, yeah, we get to love people and things much bigger than us.
we get to see how big this whole thing is,
and how much hearts can grow.
we get to make heaven where people are scared.
and you get to go first, and you get to go soon.
you get to go in 6 days,in fact, and i ask only one thing of you.
that you take all that love that you've built up inside, and you make it
grow for everyone you see.
and you tell them the truth and you teach them the way,
and you love them and love them and you give them your heart.
you can give them mine too, it'll be in your pocket.
and one day you'll realize how big your love is.
and you'll almost forget your name, and your house and all the hairs off my head
that get stuck in your car and your jacket and face.
and i will be ok, you know? because you saw how big our hearts could reach.
just take good care, and please be safe, and don't forget
to give it your all.
and i love you, too. and i love that you're happy and excited.
and i love that you're going to be somewhere loving so many people.
i love that you gave it your whole heart.









"i will fly with you, far beyond the moon"
love, laura

pull up your socks.

"So don't worry about being homesick. Don't worry about being new. Don't worry about the language. None of that matters. It will not matter. God loves you and this is the truth and you can do it! Just reach down, pull up your socks, and go to work. This is a time for you to go out. I plead with you. I plead with you, in the case of the Elders, to have a 24 month mission! Not 23, not 22, not 19, not 16, not 14...to have a 24-month mission! Sisters, you have an 18-month mission -- not 15, not 11, not 6. Start fast. Run hard, and to the tape. You can rest later..."

-Elder Holland

hearts and levels.

here's my heart,
you should know it pretty well, it's been in your hand for quite awhile now.
it's made up of levels.
layers, more i guess.
some weak parts, some hard parts, some glowing parts,
some just falling apart parts.
i think you've reached a new part, you know?
a layer i didn't know was there.
but it's making me braver and happier and smarter.
it's like i decided to just love you.
i mean, i always have really. i think i loved you before i met you.
i loved this idea and this person in my head
who turned out to be a lot like you.
i loved you when i walked through the subway line and i loved you
when we didn't talk at all.
maybe i just feel like that because so much of me loves you now.
all i feel i can express it with is time
because time is all i've really got.
i guess i don't actually have much of that either.
but i guess what i'm saying is that my life loves you, you know?
the first breath i took in september and the last one i took in november.
and its all filled with love that i decided to let burst.
life isn't about being too scared of goodbye to enjoy today,
you've taught me that,
and i'm finally starting to believe you.
so whether you leave tomorrow or friday
or on the november the 6th,
it doesn't really matter because you've reached a layer that has never been reached.
and that means that i get to be happy about you,
i get to laugh and to cry and to tell you you're the most wonderful thing
i've ever met and that i'm so happy to be apart of your life.
so lucky to be apart of your glorious life.
i get to hug you and wish you the best of luck, and tell you
you're my best friend, and i mean it.
you took away the fear, you know?
and maybe someday i'll look back at this all, and i won't remember it too well.
but i hope i never forget.
forgetting might be something i'm still afraid of.





"you give me something"
love, laura

scary things.

well you know, life is funny. ok?
because one second you think that you are in a situation that is
going to be the hardest thing,
and then all of the sudden it gets lighter outside and
you can't decide if you're comfortable with it.
you can't decide if your shining brighter now, or if
all you're doing is getting skin cancer and sunburns.
well, one thing you should know about me
is that i'm not particularly brave.
really, i'm not brave at all.
i'm fine in my circumstances and my lovely little comfort zone,
i've made my comfort zone really quite comfortable, you see.
i would live in the same house my whole life if i could,
i'd take showers in the morning and use the same shampoo,
i'd drive the same way to school,
and i'd breathe the same rhythms and i'd love you forever.
and i'd call my mom for an hour every day.
the thing is, it's a little harder to grow in your comfort zone, you know?
too many pillows and happies are stunting my growth.
when i woke up that saturday, i knew it was a special day,
but you know, listening to the prophets is always a special day.
and then he said it and i knew and i cried for a loooonnnng time.
and actually, i'm still crying.
but sometimes that feeling on your heart
and the words that you speak,
and the timing that's too perfect too miss,
and the weakness inside of you,
and the scared and the yuck,
all come to one conclusion. and you have to do what's right for you.
and sometimes doing the hardest thing
is what's right for you.
doing the hardest thing, is what's right for me.
and it's time for me to be brave.
it's time for me to do scary things.
it's time for me to walk out on that limb and jump and trust, and have no idea where i'm gonna land or who's going to help me back up or what shampoo i'll be using,
and just go.
i can do it. i can be brave. i can have faith.

send your prayers this way, ya'll.




"take and seal it, seal it for thy
courts above."
love, laura

Happy October.

i get a lot of questions lately,
like "how do you feel?"
"how does 5 weeks left feel?" "how can you be
so dumb as to do this?"
"do you know what you're doing?"
i hope you all know me, you know? and i'm sure you don't
really because this is really just a blog and the number on the side of it
says 77 but i'm sure that there's not that many of you reading it or caring.
but it's becoming about me, you know?
i'm not scared to tell you how i feel and i am feeling
a lot of things right now and so i'll say them out loud.
i feel really good.
i woke up when i was 20 and all of the sudden more things made sense.
i always feel different when i turn a new age and i know that's
weird but i do.
i feel more calm then i've ever felt in my whole life.
i know where i'm going
and i know who i am.
5 weeks left feels better than 2 days left, but worse than "he left 5 weeks ago".
i can't wait to have time under my belt
but i can love every second while he's here.
do i think it's easy? no. i would never use that word to describe my life
right now. but it has an
easiness about it because inside, i can't deny that i'm
doing the right thing.
i've heard all the advice that covers the whole earth it seems, and
i've talked and i've prayed and i've pondered.
but i can't take back the moments i knew that i was doing the right thing.
i remember driving home in february and saying aloud,
"can i really do this?"
and hearing so clear in my mind, "yes,
my daughter, you can do this, but you're going to need me."
i remember the blessings, the mornings, the car rides,
the prayers, the scriptures, the conference talks, the manuals,
the everything.
i know it's not what everyone does, and at the same time it is what everyone does.
but i hope you will listen to me when i promise you that
i know what i'm doing.
and when i tell you that i would never ever do anything to harm or
to take away from this sweet experience that is going to come.
but i trust in my Father, and i do what i must,
and i'm growing and i'm laughing and i'm struggling a lot.
but it's been an amazing thing to know something hard is going to happen to you.
i listen to talks and i study my scriptures like
i never have before because i want all that
love and that comfort inside of me.
i want it to be so apart of me that i can do hard things and not be scared.

it's a really neat experience to totally hand my heart over to
the Lord. and to trust
that however He wants my heart to feel in 5 months, or 10 months, or 3 days from now,
i'll trust in that.
because i know that whatever happens, He wants me to be the happiest i can be.
with whoever it is, in whatever circumstances it is.


and it's so special to be able to literally give Him my heart.
to dress it up in a suit and a name tag and let it go.
it's been one of the most special experiences of my life.


Here's to a new last, first, lovely month. :)



"i'll be what you want me to be"
love, laur

my last 19 post.

20 years tomorrow i popped out into this bright big world and
spread my arms out wide and began being me.
i've been on a bit of a writers block lately, mostly because
i've been doing a lot of changing to my insides.
my brain has been growing and my heart has been growing
and apparently my age has been growing, too, but i didn't quite realize that was happening until it's tomorrow.
so in all this craziness and in all this growing,
here's a list of 19 things i learned while being 19:

1. i'm not always right.
2. i'm not always right.
3. i'm not in charge
4. i don't have it all figured out.
5. i'm not always right.
6. sometimes people i love wake up one morning and they aren't very happy, and
they do
some things that i think are really weird and really impulsive and really
dumb, frankly. but i still love them. love doesn't leave me anymore.
awkwardness comes, and meetings become less frequent, but love
doesn't leave me, it only grows my heart.
isn't that cool?
7. faith over fear. always. no matter what. you write that on your heart and say it
in your mind ten million and 3 times and let it come off your tongue when you are
alone in your car, or with your best friend, or at a concert. it doesn't matter.
just say it. just say it and feel how good that really is.
8. pretty places are a whole lot prettier when you're with pretty people, too.
9. pretty doesn't mean that your face has perfect symmetry, or that you
don't have burned pieces of hair on your head. pretty doesn't mean
that you have perfect skin or are taller or skinnier or have freckles.
pretty means that you have a big heart. and that people laugh when you laugh.
pretty is light in your eyes and pink on your cheeks and a smile that
feels just right.
i've said that all along. but i believe it now.
10. i'm not always right.
11. goodbyes are hard. but the more goodbyes i give away, the closer
i am to more hellos.
12. be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it.
you just might get it all.
every little painful bit of it.
13. God gets me. He knows me. and He'll never ever forget me.
neither will His Son. i know it. i know it with all that i am.
14. if something in your life is poison, please throw it out.
just throw it out, and fill it with flowers.
the kind that smell like heaven.
15. if your socks don't match, or your hair never gets done,
it's nbd. really.
16. keep your mouth shut as much as you can. some of the most beautiful moments
happen when it's silent.
17. if you want to be friends with someone, tell them if you stalk them on facebook.
tell them if you've always wanted to be friends. tell them if you had
a dream about them last night. it might sound creepy,
but it always works.
18. honesty always works. owning up to your weaknesses,
is one of the most beautiful things that is done.
19. hearts and minds growing are not such a bad thing,
even if the numbers you are turning are getting so big that they scare you.
hearts and minds growing are the best part of 19.
and probably the best part of 20, too.








"i still love you"
love, laura

mud huts and writing.

i'm hurt by things i shouldn't be hurt by
like the way your eyes look at him and the way he forgot what i said,
i cried the night i saw you all for no reason at all really
it was just cloudy in my head.
i wish i had the courage to say, "you're shooting yourself in the foot, and i'm sorry"
or "alkdjflaskjdfa;lkjwe;faije;fjlxckjvlkajsdf;wiejf;aowiejf;aoijdsfkj" (because that's how i feel inside but unfortunately it can't be said)
i want to wish on the wind and have it take me far away and more far away and more far away.
and if it took me far away, i'd wish you were there with me.
yes, if it took me far away, i'd want you to see the things i'd see.
we'd see people doing good
and we'd learn how to build a house out of mud.
and we'd teach the people why our faces shine and why we
ever started speaking to each other and how we sang in the car and what a car was.
we'd be adventurers, you and i.
and i'd forget all the mistakes i've made and friendships i ruined.
i'd forget all the complaints about the president,
or the way our lives are too fast paced.
i'd forget that i let my nerves get the best of me. that i wanted to protect someone so much that i forgot to love his lover.
we'd ask the trees about what they thought love was. they've seen a lot of
love over a lot of time, you know?
and we'd talk about the first time i knew God was real. and you'd tell me about that night when you cried.
and the milky way would be bright.
and the people i know would only have good things to say about me.
they'd forget it all. all of it. every last thing.
and if i died right there i'd be happy. and i hope no one would be sad.
i hope they'd all get together for a dinner and they'd laugh about things i said.
and maybe they'd remember walks in the canyon
or facts about stars
or even how scared they were of me, or how scared i was of them.
but i hope they'd remember that i loved them.
every one of them.
i hope you'd remember that i love you.
i hope you'd remember that wherever i am, i'm doing good things.
wherever i am, i'll save a run away and a mud hut for you.
and wherever you are, you keep doing good things too.










"and i told you to be patient,
and i told you to be kind"
love, laura

together we are 4 arms,

4 legs, 2 tummies,
4 knees and only 2 of them are with freckles.
together we're something people stare at,
they watch us when we laugh or when you move the hair out of my face.
they are the sound of blinds on the windows,
and "don't count on it"s in your head.
together we are happy, and we forgot that people watched us anyways.
and there's roots inside me. i feel them pulling as they grow
and sometimes it doesn't feel good and sometimes i just want to be held,
but you help them grow, you know? i feel like i have small feet when i am with you
but i feel insides growing outter and taller and loving more
things and people and laughing more too.
i think you're glorious, mostly.
and i think that you might be one of my favorite things about myself.
it's sounds cliche, sweetheart,
but i think you might be the reason the sun is so bright.
and the clouds love you so much that they
blanket the sun to make you happy.
and it rains for you, too.
it rains just for you, it washes the earth, just for you.
and the rain kisses my bare feet
and i feel you so close to me i can almost smell you.
and honey, i think our backs would fit
perfectly on that crescent moon.
we could lay there together with our hands
interlocked and feel like everything
is fitting perfectly because it is, because we do.
and sometimes you say things that i don't understand,
and sometimes you don't
need to say anything at all, which i don't understand.
but i understand you, darling. i understand everything about you. i understand what you mean when you look up and when you look away after i kiss you. i understand your
hands and your freckles and your hair and how all you want is for me to look at you while i'm crying. i understand your memory, and what it remembers and why.
i understand how your heart beats, i understand your eye rubbing and your high pitched talking when you say something serious. i understand why you're
quiet when you walk inside and why you open your mouth when you play the piano.
i understand that, darling, i understand all of you.
what i don't understand is why i can't tell you what that means.
i don't understand why words don't come out when i need them,
and why all i can do is cry and look at the stars.
but i love you, you know? and i think everything about you is just what i love.
yes, everything about you is just what i love.
and maybe the best part about us is that we feel things bigger than words.







"i feel lovely, just the way that i am."
love, laur

it was 100 degrees outside

and i sat in an old beat up wagon
that is 3 years older than i am and has more rust than color.
and you know,
one hundred and two degrees and sunshine and no conditioning
to the air makes you think, you know?
about brownies and ice cream and raspberries and jokes,
and about planets and heaven and nebulas and where you're gonna be in 5 months
and how many words i'm going to write on lined paper and how many
pictures i want to take and how many
conversations i want to hold in my heart.
it makes you think of flowers and fishes and lily pads
and dragon flies and hand holds and brazilian shampoo.
and you know something else?
if you're in 102 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 80 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 55 degrees and you believe in something,
or in any degrees and you believe in something,
you should hold onto that thing and you should believe in it until
you can't breathe anymore. you believe it and you
become the best you can be and learn you learn how to recognize miracles.
you shake your head and you let light fly out of the ends of your
hair and you tell everyone you see what you know.
and climb mountains,
not just figuratively but literally,
go climb them and run around them and shout how you feel from the top.
and then remember to let some things stay in.
and don't forget to say, "i love you" every time you feel it.







"lucky i'm in love with my best friend"
love, laura