i miss you, like every day

it's good to be sappy, i promise. i know.
i'm stronger most times but i'm sappy most times, too.
because it's hard to have lights on and blankets and journals,
heaven knows what we'd do without journals.
but you make me think of yellow thoughts.
yes, yellow, and red, and happy, and sad.
people say that i don't know what love is, and that you can't count on things happening and that time changes everything and that soon you won't even know me at all.
but i guess i don't really care who reads this or who tells
me what they want.
i'm in love with you, darling. or i'm as close as i've ever been.
and i can't believe how far you are. i
can't believe how much you are growing and i can't believe how something
so good can feel so good and so painful and so everything
all in one minute. i can't believe we have these capacities,
us human beings. we feel and we feel
and boy do we feel.
i can't think of anyone else, you know? not in the way or in the colors
or in the place that i think of you.
i can't picture being anyone else's. and i want your mom to be my mom too. and i want your brother to be my brother too. and i want your sister to be my sister too.
and i realize that this is all not in my hands.
i'm trusting in our Creator and i know it's all going to be perfect.
but today i am needy. today i am weak.
today i just want to tell the world that you are the most wonderful thing that
ever walked or jumped or cried or danced on the earth.
and that i love you.
the realest bestest neatest most remarkable kind of love.
but i'm not afraid of it, either.
and i'm not afraid of being afraid at all.
i can cry tonight and i can write these letters that i'll never send and i can
run around in the snow and breathe and feel and hurt.
no, none of this will stop me.
it helps me to live more.
the part of you that is part of me, is the part that gives me courage.



"want to be with you"
love, laura