and i can't sleep tonight

maybe its because the best woman that ever lived
worked and worked and experienced and loved, and then
was left by the one she loved more than anything
and she still tells me she believes that a beating heart can find another heart who won't leave you, and won't make you feel small,
and that your hearts will get bigger with time.
maybe its because that makes me want to whisper, "will you love me forever?"
because i just want to hear the word, "yes"
just so that i can know that someone can.
maybe its because i push all those fears and wonders under my spleen and they sit there and wonder and grow and seep through my skin.
they crawl and then they creep and then they touch me and then it hurts.
but then i hear you and i see you and our socks make contact
and you hug me and laugh and your eyes attempt to cross.
and maybe you're one of the reasons i know that God knows me so well,
because He gave me something that brought out all the good things
i didn't know i had.
and He gave me something to dance with
and to trust enough to catch me after i do back flips over your shoulder.
He gave me something that helps my fears go away.
without even a "yes" or even a question near as serious.
and the air that i breathe out is different for that
and the way i hold my head up
and the way i rub my eyes when they can't be opened
and the way i don't care when the strings on my head are messed up beyond repair,

its faith,
its courage.



its what you give me.

and one day i'll figure out how to tell you
and show you,
and put my hand on your face and have all of my thankful fill up your cheeks,
i'll tell you that you helped heal me,
that you made me feel bigger than i am.
and you'll know that i'm serious,
even though i'll smile the whole time.
and maybe by then i'll have the words to tell you everything i feel.
and maybe then my mind will be able to sleep.


"beating out of my chest"
love, laur