female.

because when i was created it was decided that i would be one.
and there's a lot of things to be happy about and to yell about and to be proud
about because we are women and we're a pretty big deal.
but because i am a girl--or at least thats where the blame gets put--
i have these rather minuscule windows in time
where things are simply hard.
because you open your eyes and you see beautiful people
and they have perfect skin and small waistlines and lips that are full.
or they know all the rules of grammar.
and not all of their sentences start with And, But or Or.
or people are naturally in love with them, they have cool hats and shoes and every kind of person is drawn to them.
or you see them sitting in the library
for hours and hours because they like to read
because they like to have knowledge
because for them, an A- isn't good enough.
and you look up and down and you spin in a few circles
and somehow, sometime, you end up looking at yourself in the face.
and all you can see is long blonde hair that
is breaking and stringy and in desperate need of a shower,
and bumps on your nose and
you start wondering when your eyebrows started growing clear over there.
and the voice inside of you whispers, "you're just a girl, just an average
girl with too big of dreams and too little of hands"
and you inhale those words
and that wasn't very smart to do,
because you know what happens when you breathe those things in.
you see, words are magic in a way,
they fill you right up.
and their favorite place to get comfy is the front of your head
and there they will stay as long as they're fed.
and no matter how many bagels you eat, or trips you make home, or jokes you laugh at,
you still hear them through the muffled soundtrack of your mind.



but then something happens to you.
because you wake up on a february morning
and you slide off your yellow sheets and you sit on your knees,
and you say "i need you right now.
i need to feel like i'm important right now.
and i know that its silly to ask, but i do."
and then you open your eyes
and guess what?
that big beautiful sun that warms us all up,
it was made for you.
and the trees and the kittens and the mountains,
those were made for you, too.
and the sand and the ocean
and the smells of a movie theater,
and compliments that flood in from people who love you a lot,
its all for you. every particle of this place is for you.
and the reason that we don't need to be scared of dying
and the reason its love that fills up your heart and
the feeling of fresh air on your elbows,
its all here because you are.
because you are and i am.
and because we are everything to The Creator of all of it.
The Creator of everything and anything and everything's everything.
you're that important.



"oh. i feel your heartbeat."
love, laura