i could feel it.

you're in brazil now, and you won't read this, and i understand
cause i won't be sending you letters like this anymore, and you understand.
but i just want you to know that you are missing from me.
like i lost a leg or a lung or something and i'm trying to figure all this out.
call me crazy, but at 11 o'clock yesterday morning i felt a tug at my heart,
and the tug kept getting stronger and stronger till i woke up at 4 this morning
from all the tugging, and i cried and couldn't go back to sleep.
you are so far away from me right now, my heart was being pulled the further
you went.
i could feel it, i could feel every mile, every second.
goodbyes are never easy, and i guess "see you later"s aren't either, really.
and in some moments, two years feels like tomorrow,
and in some it feels like two hundred.
but either way, we're moving now, and you're in brazil.
and i'm so happy that you're in brazil!
and i cry and i weep and at times feel like i weigh 311 pounds,
but i'm doing this, and i love you more today than i ever have.
and i love the Lord, and i love that i gave him my heart.
i don't know when i'll hear from you,
and i don't know how you feel,
and i don't know if you're safe or if you're happy or if you're scared,
but i know that He knows. and somehow, that's more than enough.
He's taking care of you, and He's taking care of me.
and although you are missing from me, i am learning that He can fill me up.
hard things are good, for you, you know?






sorry girls, someday i'll stop talking about him.
i just have to get my mushies out somehow.
love, laura

i don't remember

i don't remember ever feeling so much inside my 5 foot 2 inch frame,
and i feel kind of like a brat,
because he's not going to afghanistan and he's not dying
and he's not breaking my heart.
but i'm standing at the foot of this mountain and i don't know how to climb up,
and i've always felt stronger with him holding my hand.
but he's about to face his own mountain, and he's a better climber than i am.
i've never felt so cold or scared or strong all at the same time.
missing can never stop you,
you know?
i'll never let missing stop me.
not missing you or missing my mom or missing semesters at school.
and i'm going to let my fears help me climb faster,
and when the time is right, i'm going to let them go,
and i'm going to run as fast as i can.
and i'm going to rely on my Heavenly Father and He's going to carry me to the top.
but before i go, before you go, and while we're still here holding hands,
you're the most beautiful person i've ever known.
and you've taken me to heights i never knew i could reach.
and i love every hair on your fuzzy head and every laugh you've ever uttered.
every wave you've ever given, and every smile you've ever shown.
and you're going to change the world, out there.
you change my world every day.
you're the best friend i've ever had.
and i'll never ever forget or regret you.
i'll miss you, and i love you.
thanks for making me who i am.
God be with you, Elder Larson.






"the Lord is on thy side."
love, laur

how are you doing?

i've been thinking a lot about heaven lately, you know?
i've been looking at the moon and the stars and the orange leaves and i've
been looking a lot at you.
in heaven you don't have any anticipation, i bet.
you don't wait for hard things and you don't have to.
and i'll paint the sunsets and i'll help it rain and i'll
wait for all of you to be there again.
and we'll all hug each other and be glad that we're done,
that heart aches and heartbreaks and crying are done.
but life is so good, you know? while we are here.
so full of good things. like scars on your hands
and scruffles on your face.
and the way your eyes seem brighter when i see them outside.
life is cuddles and laughing and "remember this, please"
and it's scary and it's funny and it's courage and it's fear.
and you, you're just courage, and just good, and just mine for one second.
and heaven is like this, i'm sure of it, i'm sure.
people like you who laugh at cute things and who kiss your hands goodbye.
i guess heaven is love, and all kinds of love,
like my love for orange leaves, and my mom, and your baby brother,
and my love for you.
but we get to make heaven something else,
we get to forget ourselves for a second, you know?
forget about time and laughing and missing.
and we get to teach, yeah, we get to love people and things much bigger than us.
we get to see how big this whole thing is,
and how much hearts can grow.
we get to make heaven where people are scared.
and you get to go first, and you get to go soon.
you get to go in 6 days,in fact, and i ask only one thing of you.
that you take all that love that you've built up inside, and you make it
grow for everyone you see.
and you tell them the truth and you teach them the way,
and you love them and love them and you give them your heart.
you can give them mine too, it'll be in your pocket.
and one day you'll realize how big your love is.
and you'll almost forget your name, and your house and all the hairs off my head
that get stuck in your car and your jacket and face.
and i will be ok, you know? because you saw how big our hearts could reach.
just take good care, and please be safe, and don't forget
to give it your all.
and i love you, too. and i love that you're happy and excited.
and i love that you're going to be somewhere loving so many people.
i love that you gave it your whole heart.









"i will fly with you, far beyond the moon"
love, laura

pull up your socks.

"So don't worry about being homesick. Don't worry about being new. Don't worry about the language. None of that matters. It will not matter. God loves you and this is the truth and you can do it! Just reach down, pull up your socks, and go to work. This is a time for you to go out. I plead with you. I plead with you, in the case of the Elders, to have a 24 month mission! Not 23, not 22, not 19, not 16, not 14...to have a 24-month mission! Sisters, you have an 18-month mission -- not 15, not 11, not 6. Start fast. Run hard, and to the tape. You can rest later..."

-Elder Holland

hearts and levels.

here's my heart,
you should know it pretty well, it's been in your hand for quite awhile now.
it's made up of levels.
layers, more i guess.
some weak parts, some hard parts, some glowing parts,
some just falling apart parts.
i think you've reached a new part, you know?
a layer i didn't know was there.
but it's making me braver and happier and smarter.
it's like i decided to just love you.
i mean, i always have really. i think i loved you before i met you.
i loved this idea and this person in my head
who turned out to be a lot like you.
i loved you when i walked through the subway line and i loved you
when we didn't talk at all.
maybe i just feel like that because so much of me loves you now.
all i feel i can express it with is time
because time is all i've really got.
i guess i don't actually have much of that either.
but i guess what i'm saying is that my life loves you, you know?
the first breath i took in september and the last one i took in november.
and its all filled with love that i decided to let burst.
life isn't about being too scared of goodbye to enjoy today,
you've taught me that,
and i'm finally starting to believe you.
so whether you leave tomorrow or friday
or on the november the 6th,
it doesn't really matter because you've reached a layer that has never been reached.
and that means that i get to be happy about you,
i get to laugh and to cry and to tell you you're the most wonderful thing
i've ever met and that i'm so happy to be apart of your life.
so lucky to be apart of your glorious life.
i get to hug you and wish you the best of luck, and tell you
you're my best friend, and i mean it.
you took away the fear, you know?
and maybe someday i'll look back at this all, and i won't remember it too well.
but i hope i never forget.
forgetting might be something i'm still afraid of.





"you give me something"
love, laura

scary things.

well you know, life is funny. ok?
because one second you think that you are in a situation that is
going to be the hardest thing,
and then all of the sudden it gets lighter outside and
you can't decide if you're comfortable with it.
you can't decide if your shining brighter now, or if
all you're doing is getting skin cancer and sunburns.
well, one thing you should know about me
is that i'm not particularly brave.
really, i'm not brave at all.
i'm fine in my circumstances and my lovely little comfort zone,
i've made my comfort zone really quite comfortable, you see.
i would live in the same house my whole life if i could,
i'd take showers in the morning and use the same shampoo,
i'd drive the same way to school,
and i'd breathe the same rhythms and i'd love you forever.
and i'd call my mom for an hour every day.
the thing is, it's a little harder to grow in your comfort zone, you know?
too many pillows and happies are stunting my growth.
when i woke up that saturday, i knew it was a special day,
but you know, listening to the prophets is always a special day.
and then he said it and i knew and i cried for a loooonnnng time.
and actually, i'm still crying.
but sometimes that feeling on your heart
and the words that you speak,
and the timing that's too perfect too miss,
and the weakness inside of you,
and the scared and the yuck,
all come to one conclusion. and you have to do what's right for you.
and sometimes doing the hardest thing
is what's right for you.
doing the hardest thing, is what's right for me.
and it's time for me to be brave.
it's time for me to do scary things.
it's time for me to walk out on that limb and jump and trust, and have no idea where i'm gonna land or who's going to help me back up or what shampoo i'll be using,
and just go.
i can do it. i can be brave. i can have faith.

send your prayers this way, ya'll.




"take and seal it, seal it for thy
courts above."
love, laura

Happy October.

i get a lot of questions lately,
like "how do you feel?"
"how does 5 weeks left feel?" "how can you be
so dumb as to do this?"
"do you know what you're doing?"
i hope you all know me, you know? and i'm sure you don't
really because this is really just a blog and the number on the side of it
says 77 but i'm sure that there's not that many of you reading it or caring.
but it's becoming about me, you know?
i'm not scared to tell you how i feel and i am feeling
a lot of things right now and so i'll say them out loud.
i feel really good.
i woke up when i was 20 and all of the sudden more things made sense.
i always feel different when i turn a new age and i know that's
weird but i do.
i feel more calm then i've ever felt in my whole life.
i know where i'm going
and i know who i am.
5 weeks left feels better than 2 days left, but worse than "he left 5 weeks ago".
i can't wait to have time under my belt
but i can love every second while he's here.
do i think it's easy? no. i would never use that word to describe my life
right now. but it has an
easiness about it because inside, i can't deny that i'm
doing the right thing.
i've heard all the advice that covers the whole earth it seems, and
i've talked and i've prayed and i've pondered.
but i can't take back the moments i knew that i was doing the right thing.
i remember driving home in february and saying aloud,
"can i really do this?"
and hearing so clear in my mind, "yes,
my daughter, you can do this, but you're going to need me."
i remember the blessings, the mornings, the car rides,
the prayers, the scriptures, the conference talks, the manuals,
the everything.
i know it's not what everyone does, and at the same time it is what everyone does.
but i hope you will listen to me when i promise you that
i know what i'm doing.
and when i tell you that i would never ever do anything to harm or
to take away from this sweet experience that is going to come.
but i trust in my Father, and i do what i must,
and i'm growing and i'm laughing and i'm struggling a lot.
but it's been an amazing thing to know something hard is going to happen to you.
i listen to talks and i study my scriptures like
i never have before because i want all that
love and that comfort inside of me.
i want it to be so apart of me that i can do hard things and not be scared.

it's a really neat experience to totally hand my heart over to
the Lord. and to trust
that however He wants my heart to feel in 5 months, or 10 months, or 3 days from now,
i'll trust in that.
because i know that whatever happens, He wants me to be the happiest i can be.
with whoever it is, in whatever circumstances it is.


and it's so special to be able to literally give Him my heart.
to dress it up in a suit and a name tag and let it go.
it's been one of the most special experiences of my life.


Here's to a new last, first, lovely month. :)



"i'll be what you want me to be"
love, laur