hearts and levels.

here's my heart,
you should know it pretty well, it's been in your hand for quite awhile now.
it's made up of levels.
layers, more i guess.
some weak parts, some hard parts, some glowing parts,
some just falling apart parts.
i think you've reached a new part, you know?
a layer i didn't know was there.
but it's making me braver and happier and smarter.
it's like i decided to just love you.
i mean, i always have really. i think i loved you before i met you.
i loved this idea and this person in my head
who turned out to be a lot like you.
i loved you when i walked through the subway line and i loved you
when we didn't talk at all.
maybe i just feel like that because so much of me loves you now.
all i feel i can express it with is time
because time is all i've really got.
i guess i don't actually have much of that either.
but i guess what i'm saying is that my life loves you, you know?
the first breath i took in september and the last one i took in november.
and its all filled with love that i decided to let burst.
life isn't about being too scared of goodbye to enjoy today,
you've taught me that,
and i'm finally starting to believe you.
so whether you leave tomorrow or friday
or on the november the 6th,
it doesn't really matter because you've reached a layer that has never been reached.
and that means that i get to be happy about you,
i get to laugh and to cry and to tell you you're the most wonderful thing
i've ever met and that i'm so happy to be apart of your life.
so lucky to be apart of your glorious life.
i get to hug you and wish you the best of luck, and tell you
you're my best friend, and i mean it.
you took away the fear, you know?
and maybe someday i'll look back at this all, and i won't remember it too well.
but i hope i never forget.
forgetting might be something i'm still afraid of.





"you give me something"
love, laura

scary things.

well you know, life is funny. ok?
because one second you think that you are in a situation that is
going to be the hardest thing,
and then all of the sudden it gets lighter outside and
you can't decide if you're comfortable with it.
you can't decide if your shining brighter now, or if
all you're doing is getting skin cancer and sunburns.
well, one thing you should know about me
is that i'm not particularly brave.
really, i'm not brave at all.
i'm fine in my circumstances and my lovely little comfort zone,
i've made my comfort zone really quite comfortable, you see.
i would live in the same house my whole life if i could,
i'd take showers in the morning and use the same shampoo,
i'd drive the same way to school,
and i'd breathe the same rhythms and i'd love you forever.
and i'd call my mom for an hour every day.
the thing is, it's a little harder to grow in your comfort zone, you know?
too many pillows and happies are stunting my growth.
when i woke up that saturday, i knew it was a special day,
but you know, listening to the prophets is always a special day.
and then he said it and i knew and i cried for a loooonnnng time.
and actually, i'm still crying.
but sometimes that feeling on your heart
and the words that you speak,
and the timing that's too perfect too miss,
and the weakness inside of you,
and the scared and the yuck,
all come to one conclusion. and you have to do what's right for you.
and sometimes doing the hardest thing
is what's right for you.
doing the hardest thing, is what's right for me.
and it's time for me to be brave.
it's time for me to do scary things.
it's time for me to walk out on that limb and jump and trust, and have no idea where i'm gonna land or who's going to help me back up or what shampoo i'll be using,
and just go.
i can do it. i can be brave. i can have faith.

send your prayers this way, ya'll.




"take and seal it, seal it for thy
courts above."
love, laura

Happy October.

i get a lot of questions lately,
like "how do you feel?"
"how does 5 weeks left feel?" "how can you be
so dumb as to do this?"
"do you know what you're doing?"
i hope you all know me, you know? and i'm sure you don't
really because this is really just a blog and the number on the side of it
says 77 but i'm sure that there's not that many of you reading it or caring.
but it's becoming about me, you know?
i'm not scared to tell you how i feel and i am feeling
a lot of things right now and so i'll say them out loud.
i feel really good.
i woke up when i was 20 and all of the sudden more things made sense.
i always feel different when i turn a new age and i know that's
weird but i do.
i feel more calm then i've ever felt in my whole life.
i know where i'm going
and i know who i am.
5 weeks left feels better than 2 days left, but worse than "he left 5 weeks ago".
i can't wait to have time under my belt
but i can love every second while he's here.
do i think it's easy? no. i would never use that word to describe my life
right now. but it has an
easiness about it because inside, i can't deny that i'm
doing the right thing.
i've heard all the advice that covers the whole earth it seems, and
i've talked and i've prayed and i've pondered.
but i can't take back the moments i knew that i was doing the right thing.
i remember driving home in february and saying aloud,
"can i really do this?"
and hearing so clear in my mind, "yes,
my daughter, you can do this, but you're going to need me."
i remember the blessings, the mornings, the car rides,
the prayers, the scriptures, the conference talks, the manuals,
the everything.
i know it's not what everyone does, and at the same time it is what everyone does.
but i hope you will listen to me when i promise you that
i know what i'm doing.
and when i tell you that i would never ever do anything to harm or
to take away from this sweet experience that is going to come.
but i trust in my Father, and i do what i must,
and i'm growing and i'm laughing and i'm struggling a lot.
but it's been an amazing thing to know something hard is going to happen to you.
i listen to talks and i study my scriptures like
i never have before because i want all that
love and that comfort inside of me.
i want it to be so apart of me that i can do hard things and not be scared.

it's a really neat experience to totally hand my heart over to
the Lord. and to trust
that however He wants my heart to feel in 5 months, or 10 months, or 3 days from now,
i'll trust in that.
because i know that whatever happens, He wants me to be the happiest i can be.
with whoever it is, in whatever circumstances it is.


and it's so special to be able to literally give Him my heart.
to dress it up in a suit and a name tag and let it go.
it's been one of the most special experiences of my life.


Here's to a new last, first, lovely month. :)



"i'll be what you want me to be"
love, laur

my last 19 post.

20 years tomorrow i popped out into this bright big world and
spread my arms out wide and began being me.
i've been on a bit of a writers block lately, mostly because
i've been doing a lot of changing to my insides.
my brain has been growing and my heart has been growing
and apparently my age has been growing, too, but i didn't quite realize that was happening until it's tomorrow.
so in all this craziness and in all this growing,
here's a list of 19 things i learned while being 19:

1. i'm not always right.
2. i'm not always right.
3. i'm not in charge
4. i don't have it all figured out.
5. i'm not always right.
6. sometimes people i love wake up one morning and they aren't very happy, and
they do
some things that i think are really weird and really impulsive and really
dumb, frankly. but i still love them. love doesn't leave me anymore.
awkwardness comes, and meetings become less frequent, but love
doesn't leave me, it only grows my heart.
isn't that cool?
7. faith over fear. always. no matter what. you write that on your heart and say it
in your mind ten million and 3 times and let it come off your tongue when you are
alone in your car, or with your best friend, or at a concert. it doesn't matter.
just say it. just say it and feel how good that really is.
8. pretty places are a whole lot prettier when you're with pretty people, too.
9. pretty doesn't mean that your face has perfect symmetry, or that you
don't have burned pieces of hair on your head. pretty doesn't mean
that you have perfect skin or are taller or skinnier or have freckles.
pretty means that you have a big heart. and that people laugh when you laugh.
pretty is light in your eyes and pink on your cheeks and a smile that
feels just right.
i've said that all along. but i believe it now.
10. i'm not always right.
11. goodbyes are hard. but the more goodbyes i give away, the closer
i am to more hellos.
12. be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it.
you just might get it all.
every little painful bit of it.
13. God gets me. He knows me. and He'll never ever forget me.
neither will His Son. i know it. i know it with all that i am.
14. if something in your life is poison, please throw it out.
just throw it out, and fill it with flowers.
the kind that smell like heaven.
15. if your socks don't match, or your hair never gets done,
it's nbd. really.
16. keep your mouth shut as much as you can. some of the most beautiful moments
happen when it's silent.
17. if you want to be friends with someone, tell them if you stalk them on facebook.
tell them if you've always wanted to be friends. tell them if you had
a dream about them last night. it might sound creepy,
but it always works.
18. honesty always works. owning up to your weaknesses,
is one of the most beautiful things that is done.
19. hearts and minds growing are not such a bad thing,
even if the numbers you are turning are getting so big that they scare you.
hearts and minds growing are the best part of 19.
and probably the best part of 20, too.








"i still love you"
love, laura

mud huts and writing.

i'm hurt by things i shouldn't be hurt by
like the way your eyes look at him and the way he forgot what i said,
i cried the night i saw you all for no reason at all really
it was just cloudy in my head.
i wish i had the courage to say, "you're shooting yourself in the foot, and i'm sorry"
or "alkdjflaskjdfa;lkjwe;faije;fjlxckjvlkajsdf;wiejf;aowiejf;aoijdsfkj" (because that's how i feel inside but unfortunately it can't be said)
i want to wish on the wind and have it take me far away and more far away and more far away.
and if it took me far away, i'd wish you were there with me.
yes, if it took me far away, i'd want you to see the things i'd see.
we'd see people doing good
and we'd learn how to build a house out of mud.
and we'd teach the people why our faces shine and why we
ever started speaking to each other and how we sang in the car and what a car was.
we'd be adventurers, you and i.
and i'd forget all the mistakes i've made and friendships i ruined.
i'd forget all the complaints about the president,
or the way our lives are too fast paced.
i'd forget that i let my nerves get the best of me. that i wanted to protect someone so much that i forgot to love his lover.
we'd ask the trees about what they thought love was. they've seen a lot of
love over a lot of time, you know?
and we'd talk about the first time i knew God was real. and you'd tell me about that night when you cried.
and the milky way would be bright.
and the people i know would only have good things to say about me.
they'd forget it all. all of it. every last thing.
and if i died right there i'd be happy. and i hope no one would be sad.
i hope they'd all get together for a dinner and they'd laugh about things i said.
and maybe they'd remember walks in the canyon
or facts about stars
or even how scared they were of me, or how scared i was of them.
but i hope they'd remember that i loved them.
every one of them.
i hope you'd remember that i love you.
i hope you'd remember that wherever i am, i'm doing good things.
wherever i am, i'll save a run away and a mud hut for you.
and wherever you are, you keep doing good things too.










"and i told you to be patient,
and i told you to be kind"
love, laura

together we are 4 arms,

4 legs, 2 tummies,
4 knees and only 2 of them are with freckles.
together we're something people stare at,
they watch us when we laugh or when you move the hair out of my face.
they are the sound of blinds on the windows,
and "don't count on it"s in your head.
together we are happy, and we forgot that people watched us anyways.
and there's roots inside me. i feel them pulling as they grow
and sometimes it doesn't feel good and sometimes i just want to be held,
but you help them grow, you know? i feel like i have small feet when i am with you
but i feel insides growing outter and taller and loving more
things and people and laughing more too.
i think you're glorious, mostly.
and i think that you might be one of my favorite things about myself.
it's sounds cliche, sweetheart,
but i think you might be the reason the sun is so bright.
and the clouds love you so much that they
blanket the sun to make you happy.
and it rains for you, too.
it rains just for you, it washes the earth, just for you.
and the rain kisses my bare feet
and i feel you so close to me i can almost smell you.
and honey, i think our backs would fit
perfectly on that crescent moon.
we could lay there together with our hands
interlocked and feel like everything
is fitting perfectly because it is, because we do.
and sometimes you say things that i don't understand,
and sometimes you don't
need to say anything at all, which i don't understand.
but i understand you, darling. i understand everything about you. i understand what you mean when you look up and when you look away after i kiss you. i understand your
hands and your freckles and your hair and how all you want is for me to look at you while i'm crying. i understand your memory, and what it remembers and why.
i understand how your heart beats, i understand your eye rubbing and your high pitched talking when you say something serious. i understand why you're
quiet when you walk inside and why you open your mouth when you play the piano.
i understand that, darling, i understand all of you.
what i don't understand is why i can't tell you what that means.
i don't understand why words don't come out when i need them,
and why all i can do is cry and look at the stars.
but i love you, you know? and i think everything about you is just what i love.
yes, everything about you is just what i love.
and maybe the best part about us is that we feel things bigger than words.







"i feel lovely, just the way that i am."
love, laur

it was 100 degrees outside

and i sat in an old beat up wagon
that is 3 years older than i am and has more rust than color.
and you know,
one hundred and two degrees and sunshine and no conditioning
to the air makes you think, you know?
about brownies and ice cream and raspberries and jokes,
and about planets and heaven and nebulas and where you're gonna be in 5 months
and how many words i'm going to write on lined paper and how many
pictures i want to take and how many
conversations i want to hold in my heart.
it makes you think of flowers and fishes and lily pads
and dragon flies and hand holds and brazilian shampoo.
and you know something else?
if you're in 102 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 80 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 55 degrees and you believe in something,
or in any degrees and you believe in something,
you should hold onto that thing and you should believe in it until
you can't breathe anymore. you believe it and you
become the best you can be and learn you learn how to recognize miracles.
you shake your head and you let light fly out of the ends of your
hair and you tell everyone you see what you know.
and climb mountains,
not just figuratively but literally,
go climb them and run around them and shout how you feel from the top.
and then remember to let some things stay in.
and don't forget to say, "i love you" every time you feel it.







"lucky i'm in love with my best friend"
love, laura