some things i wish

i could write on the palm of my hand
and hold onto them so tight.
and that every time i got scared and started to forget
i could look down and open up my palm
and remember exactly how i felt at exactly the right moment.

i'd write about this.
about sitting here for days with puffy cheeks.
how many times i've been laying here thinking,
"once i can eat again, i'm going to enjoy every chomp of real food i take.
and i'm gonna start working out too.
and i'm gonna eat carrots.
and smile a lot."

i'd write about the day i spent with my brother at byu.
how we laughed and
talked about getting rich and sharing a backyard when we were older.
because i knew that day that no matter what happened
he'd always be my best friend.
and we'd always have each other.

i'd write about that afternoon
when that boy hugged me so tight
and i could literally feel all the worry and the happy. and the feeling of hanging
onto something you cared about so much. and something that might go away from you
too soon.

i'd write about the swings in the summer
and looking at the sky
and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God can make anything work out.

i'd write about running in the canyon.
finishing the whole trail
and feeling unstoppable.

i'd write about laying in that bed in new york city.
talking till 4 in the morning
exhausted, laughing, and inexpressibly happy.



unfortunately i can't keep things in my palm
i can't hold onto them for dear life.
but the beautiful thing about life is that when something comes to an end
if it touched your heart the right amount of deep,
you'll never forget
and all the senses of your memories will be more stunning.
and you'll hear every word
and feel every touch
and you'll never forget.


and if by some chance,
something happens and you do,
i bet when you pass away
God gives you a blue box
and its full of beautiful beautiful memories
and all the lessons you learned from them.
i sure hope so.



"how you'd kiss me when i was in the
middle of saying something"
love, laura