the first one,

i haven't told you
but once i was a 15 year old girl.
he was 15 too.
we fell fast and we fell hard.
we were each others first romance.
he was the first one
the first one that ever made my heart race.
the first one that ever gave me chills
& in the end
the first one that ever broke my heart.
it ended
& for lack of a better term, it ended badly.
i felt tiny. insignificant. stupid. ugly. starving. miserable. you name it.
i cried for months.
it was messy. it was hard. & i vowed to never give my heart to another human ever again.
because of the ugliness of the situation, we stopped communication entirely.
we didn't come within feet of each other.
i pretended like i didn't know who he was & he did the same.
we were strangers. & thats how it had to be.
it ended without a goodbye.
without a thank you.
it just ended.

i never thought i'd get over it.
i plowed through each day & went through the painful process of having my heart heal.
& listening to my mom say, "these things just take time".

i don't remember when or how it happened
but one day, the suffering was over.
i was over it.
i wasn't scared of him.
& i felt more freed than i'd ever felt.


last night we spoke for the first time in years.
we talked about everything.
he said what he had to say
& so did i.

& i learned right then that i was strong.
that i really was completely and utterly a different person than i was back then.
& that i wouldn't be who i am now if he hadn't of hurt me.
& i'm honestly grateful that he did.
i wouldn't have met the people i met.
experienced what i've experienced
& most importantly
i wouldn't have had enough faith to endure other trials.


because of the first one,
i was strong enough to make it through my family falling apart.
& my heart being broken other times.
& all the other things i've had to go through.

it taught me that even when i'm in the bottom of the ocean
& i can't breathe,
i WILL eventually make it up to the top again if i keep swimming.


& that could be one of the most valuable lessons i've learned in my short lifetime.

i'm so grateful that God knows what He's doing.
& to know that one day i'll look back at all of my hard days and be grateful for what i've learned.

& i'm thankful for the first one.

what an amazing thing life is.


"& all the things that break you, are the things
that make you strong."
love, laura