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love, laura

its like this.

i have 4.5 drafts in my folder and i don't want to publish them
because nothing that is coming out of my lips
or out of my fingers, rather,
actually make sense.
and i feel odd.
its like how it feels to have mascara on your pillows
because your eyes keep leaking.
its like how i feel when shelbie leaves her watch on the desk
and i know she does because i can hear it tick-tocking wherever i go.
and i don't know if its just in my head, or if its really that loud.
its like when i lay on my bed and i can feel my heartbeat
a billion beats per minute
and no matter how slow i try to breathe, it won't calm down.
its like a boy who melts me.
its the thoughts that run through my head when i'm cleaning the bathroom
or picking out a shirt to wear
or when i'm doing anything really.
and it sounds like this. like rambling and loving and breathing
and reading and all of my "to do's" and the names of the planets and their orbits and their rings and their proximity to the sun.
and 6 songs that explain me and how i feel about life and how on earth i made it to today.
its like when i get in my car and i listen to the news or music that is weird
but reminds me that i'm growing up.
its like wondering why i stopped gaining inches in 6th grade while everyone
else kept going.
and there's a piece of my heart that is scared that one day we'll be like everything else that i've ruined. and we'll be far apart and i'll forget the sounds of people's voices.
its like how i want to deliver babies and see mama's and dad's eyes get red when they hold the newest member of our planet which happens to have his nose and her eyes. and for a second the love in that room will be so real that we all get chills. because two people who loved each other finally became one thing the whole world can see.
love will become life. right in front of us.
its like knowing that no matter how sad or happy or scared or mad i am,
i have a foundation. i have love. and one day i'll be able to live in the stars.





"& my hearts beating like a steamboat tugging."
love, laura

now.

of all the things that we don't know about life
we do know that one day
it will end.
and when it does
your comfy bed
and your pricey boots
and the nugg at the bottom of the stairs
won't be yours anymore.
we don't really own anything.
because you will leave and they will stay.
all that we actually have for our own,
are the hours that we're using right now
and the minutes that are in our rear view.
but don't let that depress you,
because time is one of the most beautiful things that we've ever been given.
the wisdom that comes with any passing of time
is simply priceless.
and that means that sometimes i just want to be 80
to have a wrinkle on my face for all of the things i've experienced
and to look at the sky and realize i have so much more figured out
than my 19 year old self did.
and to know that i made it through.
but when i'm 80 i won't be able to swing on swings
or run through parks
or jump off stairs.
and that's why i do that
because one day when i'm old and gray,
i'll remember how it looked with the blonde hair on my face
and the sunshine shining through it,
and i'll remember jumping off the stairs of my front porch
and hearing that giggle from behind.
i'll think of the dancing in public
and the sleeping in too late.
and the butterflies that i got in my stomach.
and i'll smile, because i did all that i could
to the best i could.
that i laughed and i sang and i fell in love.
i had no idea what i was doing,
but i did good things and i breathed deeply and i squinted at the sun
i forgave myself and i forgave others
and i really earned those laugh lines.
that's how i want now to be remembered.




"don't be scared its only love that we're
falling into."
love, laura

birds.

all the smiles on faces
and tickles in tummies,
all the dreams of young people
and the grass that dances with the wind,
all the glittery snow flakes
and pink and orange clouds,
all the foggy half moons
and big full ones too,
all the happy secrets shared
and the songs that make your muscles want to move,
all the hair blowing through the car window
and heavy hearts turning light,
and memories you'll never forget,
all the times you run inside because it's chilly
and you get shivers because you're skin is so happy,
all the good kind of tear drops
and all the colors of sweaters,
the feeling of being home
and the smell of it too,
and the word "lovely"

thats how i feel about you.



"but when you look at them & see that they're
beautiful, that's how i feel about you."
love, laura

when i wake up i feel happy

but then
there comes a tinge of guilt inside of me
because the world is sad sometimes
hearts are breaking and people are dying
people are making mistakes and hurting the ones they love most
and hearts are missing each other.
and today i thought about asking if it was wrong
to be so happy when so many awful things are happening.
if it was selfish,
if i was stealing everyone else's happiness.
and i felt so at peace.
because there isn't one big tank of happiness that everyone has to share from.
happiness is infinite
and its all around us
its in the sunshine and the christmas lights and the words that make your heart flutter
its in the morning laughs and the fluffy blankets and 7 freckles on your left arm.
its in your heart, its inside your very soul.
and every single little life can have as much as it wants
and no one can steal anyone else's away.
so if the love part of your life is perfect, enjoy every second of it.
and scream and laugh and dance about it if you want.
and wish the strangers at the store a "merry christmas!"
because the phrase is starting to die.
and wear lots of layers and put on funny hats
and be so thrilled that everyone is coming home, even if they will leave again.
make time for people, because you learn more from them than anything else.
read a good book.
and if you love a song, feel free to hit that replay button as much as you'd like.


and remember what this season is all about, and love the Savior with all you've got.
cause He's where all the happiness really comes from.



"we'll face unafraid the plans that we've made
walkin in a winter wonderland."
love, laura

lovelier

i often feel like my heart is going to fall out of my chest
because so much lovely is filling it up.
and i stay up late and wake up early
because too many lovely things are on my mind.
and i squeal and i laugh and i cover my eyes
because i hear about lovely things.
and i see the lovely lights
and i hear the lovely songs
and though summertime is no more
though tall buildings, and long boards
and the salt water and sand are miles away,
i have my stars above me
and my heart beating outside of me
and even though it can be scary
i've never been in a place that's lovelier than this.



"maybe one day we can go"
love, laura

happy december.

from inside of me i feel the need to scream it all out on top of something tall.
except all i have is this blog and so that'll have to do.
i woke up this morning with the pukies in my stomach.
its abnormal for me to feel this way
i throw up a lot but only out of crying
or when i brush my teeth and my gag reflexes don't like it.
so to wake up and feel really sick is a really odd feeling
and i really don't like it that much.

my mom brings me oils when i don't feel good and she rubs them on my feet.
then she gives me some to rub on my tummy
and now i smell like flowers or
weeds
or something like that.
so i get some work done and then i stay in my pajamas all day.

and i look outside and realize that it is december.
i so enjoy the first day of every month because its the promise for a whole new 30 or so days of new things.
its like looking at the empty pages left in your journal
and wondering what in the world you're going to write about back in there
because you have no idea when you'll write in it
and no idea where you'll be when you do.

and my phone has been quieter the past few days.


and i'm sorry that this long post might make no sense at all.

but its december and its not snowing
and this is the most magical month of all of them.
so go outside and don't forget your coat.
and tonight look at the christmas lights because
it looks like christmas out there.


"your skin and bones turn into something beautiful, you know,
you know i love you so."
love, laura