we are too fast.

i sit on a bench and i look at all of you,
you're all running, all hurting, all crying inside,
all slipping and tripping but mostly just hurrying.
what happened to sunshine?
what happened to us?
remember when we would run to the car just because we wanted to see
who had more spring in their step?
we used to dance in public, because i liked that you liked to
do that too.
remember when january was for sledding and bundling
and snowballs and forts?
when school was just a place for jump rope and getting chased by boys?
remember when fear didn't exist? when night lights could fix
all the pain?
when i thought i'd be beautiful and lovely and charming,
i thought i'd be strong and brave and fearless.
i thought i'd have brown hair, and a kid by now. i thought i'd
be travelling to ireland and spain. i thought i'd
have freckles and glasses and a larger foot size. i thought i'd wear make up and curl my hair on wednesdays. i thought i'd be an astronaut.
and no, i don't believe i'm really any of those things. i don't think
20 years was enough to become all those things.
but what i am is a 5 foot 2 inch, size 5 feet, grey blonde haired thing,
and i'm scared to go on a mission.
i love a boy in brazil and i miss him all the time.
i wear make up on sundays, and sometimes on saturdays if i decide to be with people.
i have a lot of friends, but the only ones i hang
out with live in my house. i still text my older brother "i love you, goodnight".
i'm learning to forgive my dad, and let go of my mom,
i'm learning to put on more layers, to read more books, to stop dying my hair so blonde.
i'm learning to embrace every person, to hug them and tell them i'm proud of them and God loves them and they will do great things.
i'm learning the power of time. i'm learning the importance of it. i have 19 days left
and i'm so grateful for time. i haven't seen him for like 85. we're 25 days into the year and it's 2013. 1 and 1 can equal 5 and i've seen it because 2 hearts can do a lot of good, if you know what i mean.
i watch the sky and i stare at pictures and i can't wait till i'm up there and i'm swimming in it all. and i can't wait to see you there. will you meet me on the moon?
i rub my feet together when i go to sleep, and i twitch when i finally get to sleep.
i search for sleep all night long, and when i find him i feel
more human than ever. because we all find sleep each night, we all rub our
feet or count sheep or think of kisses until we find sleep.
but what i need is prayers, you know?
you might not know me very well, but basically i love you, and i
love that you read what i write. so please, raise your voice.
when you pray will you say "laura is scared, will you help her?"
"laura needs to go to mississippi, will you send her angels?"
and whenever i see you next i will kiss your cheek and thank you for
helping me to have strength to fulfill my dreams.
because if i can go to mississippi and teach people what i know and love,
it might even be more of a dream than sleeping on the moon.





you forgot how to spell my name and i forgot how to say "do i?"
love, laura

29 days,

you're lost, i feel like, since you're so far away.
i don't even know how to tell you what's happening to me.
it's hard, darling, because i so love you.
i remember when i used to spout out the first thing that came to my mind
and your eyes lit up and you
always beamed like everything i had to say was as important as
words could ever be.
i loved that, you know. maybe i miss that most of all.
or maybe it's the way you would say "yeah" kind of airy and nod your head
really fast and purse your lips.
maybe it's just the way you looked at me right before you said,
"see you soon" and you had tears in your eyes and you wouldn't
let me go.
or the way you wrote "r + l" on my windshield and i can't
erase it.
but i think what it really is right now, is that i'm missing a part of me,
you know?
a part that you understand, a part that has courage, and a part that
i fear climbed in your pocket while i wasn't looking.
i look at the stars at night and i make wishes that you'll be ok,
i make wishes that we'll be ok,
and i ask the moon to not forget us.
but how could anything forget us, you know.
we lived out of our bodies and we lived like we only could together.
i've got stars in my hood, and you've got light in your eyes,
hopefully one day we put them back together again,
and we swim in the sky and we light it back up.
maybe we'll light it up in a way that only we can, and the whole world
will see how love can light up the world.
in 29 days i'll be out there too, and maybe that will light it up
a little bit more
and
maybe one day, we'll see each other again.




"i remember it all too well"
love, laura

you'll say "ok"

it's so foggy in here.
it's so grey, its so new.
i'm not unhappy, no. never unhappy, only confused and scared
and a little bit chilly.
the sun makes me happy, the sun might be in love with me, because
whenever he decides to tell me good morning,
my morning seems more happy and my shoes seem less squeaky.
i see beautiful pictures and things rehearse in my mind,
i remember every word you said, i think. and if
i don't remember it then i have it written down.
i can't read it yet though, because it makes my heart feel purple,
purple and heavy and fuzzy, too.
someone told me once that you have to make yourself do the things you are
scared of. i thought they meant bunji jumping, skydiving,
giving speeches, or dancing with a stranger.
i think what they meant now was forgiving someone who hurt you,
or learning to laugh at your mistakes,
or asking forgiveness, and writing letters that take all your restraint.
i think they meant to climb mountains, even if you have to climb alone,
and when you say, "Lord, i'll give you all my life, just
tell me where to go"
when He says "mississippi" i think it means you should go.
i think it means phone calls, and "i love you no matter what"s.
and "please don't hurt yourself anymore" i think it means
reading, and eating salad, and loving even though people will hurt you.
days keep flying and slowing down all at the same time.
and i'm still falling and i'm not sure if i've been caught.
words fill me up until i can't stop anymore, and i think if i'm scared of letting
them out, i should do that too.
time passes and before you know it, it's 2013 and you've got 6 weeks ahead of you
and almost 5 weeks and 6 days.
what do i want you to know about me? what do i want you to remember?
i'm safe, not scary. i don't run too far away.
i don't run fast either, and i take every precaution that i can.
i braid my hair when i want it to leave me alone, and i grow it because
long hair is beautiful to me.
i want freckles on my nose and i want a raspier voice,
and i wish i only thought good thoughts about everyone and i wish i never
let fear and nasty things build up inside of me. i wish i knew how to
understand myself enough that i could understand the way your eyelashes curl,
or the way your toes freeze when it's december.
i wish i could feel the air that you feel and see the moon that
you saw on christmas eve.
mountains and hills and horses and coves, things i wish i had done.
it doesn't really matter now, because today is new.
because this year is new.
because we forget things every few seconds, and that scares me, you know?
so make it all good. and make it all yellow. and dance
and be brave, and love him even when it has to fill up an ocean.
remember the squeak in his voice and the freckle on his neck
and remember that some things are bigger than you.
it's not so bad to have things that are bigger than you.




happy new year.
love, laur

i miss you, like every day

it's good to be sappy, i promise. i know.
i'm stronger most times but i'm sappy most times, too.
because it's hard to have lights on and blankets and journals,
heaven knows what we'd do without journals.
but you make me think of yellow thoughts.
yes, yellow, and red, and happy, and sad.
people say that i don't know what love is, and that you can't count on things happening and that time changes everything and that soon you won't even know me at all.
but i guess i don't really care who reads this or who tells
me what they want.
i'm in love with you, darling. or i'm as close as i've ever been.
and i can't believe how far you are. i
can't believe how much you are growing and i can't believe how something
so good can feel so good and so painful and so everything
all in one minute. i can't believe we have these capacities,
us human beings. we feel and we feel
and boy do we feel.
i can't think of anyone else, you know? not in the way or in the colors
or in the place that i think of you.
i can't picture being anyone else's. and i want your mom to be my mom too. and i want your brother to be my brother too. and i want your sister to be my sister too.
and i realize that this is all not in my hands.
i'm trusting in our Creator and i know it's all going to be perfect.
but today i am needy. today i am weak.
today i just want to tell the world that you are the most wonderful thing that
ever walked or jumped or cried or danced on the earth.
and that i love you.
the realest bestest neatest most remarkable kind of love.
but i'm not afraid of it, either.
and i'm not afraid of being afraid at all.
i can cry tonight and i can write these letters that i'll never send and i can
run around in the snow and breathe and feel and hurt.
no, none of this will stop me.
it helps me to live more.
the part of you that is part of me, is the part that gives me courage.



"want to be with you"
love, laura

time and beauty and a little pain, too.

i'm tired and i'm scared and falling into everything i see.
i fall into beautiful pictures of far away places,
i fall into letters and handwriting and
flannel blankets and blonde hair and boots.
i'm falling, keep falling, and falling makes the seconds sweep
by and the minutes feel short and the hours feel long.
i feel close to things that are far from me,
and feel far from things that are close.
i dream of stars falling on us and lighting up our skin
and dancing and sitting but never being able to touch.
i dream of clear oceans, white sand, and green moss.
of surfboards and curly hair and of darkness that feels heavy on closed
eyelids.
of fountains and buildings and 73 degree weather.
i fall into fighting battles inside of myself. beautiful battles. beautiful help.
i feel angels around me and hope inside of me.
compassion comes from heartache, joy comes from sorrow, hope comes from adversity.
and that makes every ache and tear and lost eyelash worth it.
doorbells will ring and you'll never know who's on the other side of the door.
but you'll open it and you'll sing and you'll fall over your feet
sometimes. but every day is lovely.
each night sky has a new treasure, a new star, a new moon, a new shade of black
or blue or grey.
and the clouds as they hug the mountains,
and the pavement when it's wet reflects the lights of the city.
the dresses and the flowers and the branches reaching to heaven.
every moment is showing the greatness inside of you.
every moment is showing the greatness of Him who created you.







"slow down, you crazy child. take the phone off the
hook and disappear for awhile."
love, laur

i could feel it.

you're in brazil now, and you won't read this, and i understand
cause i won't be sending you letters like this anymore, and you understand.
but i just want you to know that you are missing from me.
like i lost a leg or a lung or something and i'm trying to figure all this out.
call me crazy, but at 11 o'clock yesterday morning i felt a tug at my heart,
and the tug kept getting stronger and stronger till i woke up at 4 this morning
from all the tugging, and i cried and couldn't go back to sleep.
you are so far away from me right now, my heart was being pulled the further
you went.
i could feel it, i could feel every mile, every second.
goodbyes are never easy, and i guess "see you later"s aren't either, really.
and in some moments, two years feels like tomorrow,
and in some it feels like two hundred.
but either way, we're moving now, and you're in brazil.
and i'm so happy that you're in brazil!
and i cry and i weep and at times feel like i weigh 311 pounds,
but i'm doing this, and i love you more today than i ever have.
and i love the Lord, and i love that i gave him my heart.
i don't know when i'll hear from you,
and i don't know how you feel,
and i don't know if you're safe or if you're happy or if you're scared,
but i know that He knows. and somehow, that's more than enough.
He's taking care of you, and He's taking care of me.
and although you are missing from me, i am learning that He can fill me up.
hard things are good, for you, you know?






sorry girls, someday i'll stop talking about him.
i just have to get my mushies out somehow.
love, laura

i don't remember

i don't remember ever feeling so much inside my 5 foot 2 inch frame,
and i feel kind of like a brat,
because he's not going to afghanistan and he's not dying
and he's not breaking my heart.
but i'm standing at the foot of this mountain and i don't know how to climb up,
and i've always felt stronger with him holding my hand.
but he's about to face his own mountain, and he's a better climber than i am.
i've never felt so cold or scared or strong all at the same time.
missing can never stop you,
you know?
i'll never let missing stop me.
not missing you or missing my mom or missing semesters at school.
and i'm going to let my fears help me climb faster,
and when the time is right, i'm going to let them go,
and i'm going to run as fast as i can.
and i'm going to rely on my Heavenly Father and He's going to carry me to the top.
but before i go, before you go, and while we're still here holding hands,
you're the most beautiful person i've ever known.
and you've taken me to heights i never knew i could reach.
and i love every hair on your fuzzy head and every laugh you've ever uttered.
every wave you've ever given, and every smile you've ever shown.
and you're going to change the world, out there.
you change my world every day.
you're the best friend i've ever had.
and i'll never ever forget or regret you.
i'll miss you, and i love you.
thanks for making me who i am.
God be with you, Elder Larson.






"the Lord is on thy side."
love, laur