you'll say "ok"

it's so foggy in here.
it's so grey, its so new.
i'm not unhappy, no. never unhappy, only confused and scared
and a little bit chilly.
the sun makes me happy, the sun might be in love with me, because
whenever he decides to tell me good morning,
my morning seems more happy and my shoes seem less squeaky.
i see beautiful pictures and things rehearse in my mind,
i remember every word you said, i think. and if
i don't remember it then i have it written down.
i can't read it yet though, because it makes my heart feel purple,
purple and heavy and fuzzy, too.
someone told me once that you have to make yourself do the things you are
scared of. i thought they meant bunji jumping, skydiving,
giving speeches, or dancing with a stranger.
i think what they meant now was forgiving someone who hurt you,
or learning to laugh at your mistakes,
or asking forgiveness, and writing letters that take all your restraint.
i think they meant to climb mountains, even if you have to climb alone,
and when you say, "Lord, i'll give you all my life, just
tell me where to go"
when He says "mississippi" i think it means you should go.
i think it means phone calls, and "i love you no matter what"s.
and "please don't hurt yourself anymore" i think it means
reading, and eating salad, and loving even though people will hurt you.
days keep flying and slowing down all at the same time.
and i'm still falling and i'm not sure if i've been caught.
words fill me up until i can't stop anymore, and i think if i'm scared of letting
them out, i should do that too.
time passes and before you know it, it's 2013 and you've got 6 weeks ahead of you
and almost 5 weeks and 6 days.
what do i want you to know about me? what do i want you to remember?
i'm safe, not scary. i don't run too far away.
i don't run fast either, and i take every precaution that i can.
i braid my hair when i want it to leave me alone, and i grow it because
long hair is beautiful to me.
i want freckles on my nose and i want a raspier voice,
and i wish i only thought good thoughts about everyone and i wish i never
let fear and nasty things build up inside of me. i wish i knew how to
understand myself enough that i could understand the way your eyelashes curl,
or the way your toes freeze when it's december.
i wish i could feel the air that you feel and see the moon that
you saw on christmas eve.
mountains and hills and horses and coves, things i wish i had done.
it doesn't really matter now, because today is new.
because this year is new.
because we forget things every few seconds, and that scares me, you know?
so make it all good. and make it all yellow. and dance
and be brave, and love him even when it has to fill up an ocean.
remember the squeak in his voice and the freckle on his neck
and remember that some things are bigger than you.
it's not so bad to have things that are bigger than you.




happy new year.
love, laur

i miss you, like every day

it's good to be sappy, i promise. i know.
i'm stronger most times but i'm sappy most times, too.
because it's hard to have lights on and blankets and journals,
heaven knows what we'd do without journals.
but you make me think of yellow thoughts.
yes, yellow, and red, and happy, and sad.
people say that i don't know what love is, and that you can't count on things happening and that time changes everything and that soon you won't even know me at all.
but i guess i don't really care who reads this or who tells
me what they want.
i'm in love with you, darling. or i'm as close as i've ever been.
and i can't believe how far you are. i
can't believe how much you are growing and i can't believe how something
so good can feel so good and so painful and so everything
all in one minute. i can't believe we have these capacities,
us human beings. we feel and we feel
and boy do we feel.
i can't think of anyone else, you know? not in the way or in the colors
or in the place that i think of you.
i can't picture being anyone else's. and i want your mom to be my mom too. and i want your brother to be my brother too. and i want your sister to be my sister too.
and i realize that this is all not in my hands.
i'm trusting in our Creator and i know it's all going to be perfect.
but today i am needy. today i am weak.
today i just want to tell the world that you are the most wonderful thing that
ever walked or jumped or cried or danced on the earth.
and that i love you.
the realest bestest neatest most remarkable kind of love.
but i'm not afraid of it, either.
and i'm not afraid of being afraid at all.
i can cry tonight and i can write these letters that i'll never send and i can
run around in the snow and breathe and feel and hurt.
no, none of this will stop me.
it helps me to live more.
the part of you that is part of me, is the part that gives me courage.



"want to be with you"
love, laura

time and beauty and a little pain, too.

i'm tired and i'm scared and falling into everything i see.
i fall into beautiful pictures of far away places,
i fall into letters and handwriting and
flannel blankets and blonde hair and boots.
i'm falling, keep falling, and falling makes the seconds sweep
by and the minutes feel short and the hours feel long.
i feel close to things that are far from me,
and feel far from things that are close.
i dream of stars falling on us and lighting up our skin
and dancing and sitting but never being able to touch.
i dream of clear oceans, white sand, and green moss.
of surfboards and curly hair and of darkness that feels heavy on closed
eyelids.
of fountains and buildings and 73 degree weather.
i fall into fighting battles inside of myself. beautiful battles. beautiful help.
i feel angels around me and hope inside of me.
compassion comes from heartache, joy comes from sorrow, hope comes from adversity.
and that makes every ache and tear and lost eyelash worth it.
doorbells will ring and you'll never know who's on the other side of the door.
but you'll open it and you'll sing and you'll fall over your feet
sometimes. but every day is lovely.
each night sky has a new treasure, a new star, a new moon, a new shade of black
or blue or grey.
and the clouds as they hug the mountains,
and the pavement when it's wet reflects the lights of the city.
the dresses and the flowers and the branches reaching to heaven.
every moment is showing the greatness inside of you.
every moment is showing the greatness of Him who created you.







"slow down, you crazy child. take the phone off the
hook and disappear for awhile."
love, laur

i could feel it.

you're in brazil now, and you won't read this, and i understand
cause i won't be sending you letters like this anymore, and you understand.
but i just want you to know that you are missing from me.
like i lost a leg or a lung or something and i'm trying to figure all this out.
call me crazy, but at 11 o'clock yesterday morning i felt a tug at my heart,
and the tug kept getting stronger and stronger till i woke up at 4 this morning
from all the tugging, and i cried and couldn't go back to sleep.
you are so far away from me right now, my heart was being pulled the further
you went.
i could feel it, i could feel every mile, every second.
goodbyes are never easy, and i guess "see you later"s aren't either, really.
and in some moments, two years feels like tomorrow,
and in some it feels like two hundred.
but either way, we're moving now, and you're in brazil.
and i'm so happy that you're in brazil!
and i cry and i weep and at times feel like i weigh 311 pounds,
but i'm doing this, and i love you more today than i ever have.
and i love the Lord, and i love that i gave him my heart.
i don't know when i'll hear from you,
and i don't know how you feel,
and i don't know if you're safe or if you're happy or if you're scared,
but i know that He knows. and somehow, that's more than enough.
He's taking care of you, and He's taking care of me.
and although you are missing from me, i am learning that He can fill me up.
hard things are good, for you, you know?






sorry girls, someday i'll stop talking about him.
i just have to get my mushies out somehow.
love, laura

i don't remember

i don't remember ever feeling so much inside my 5 foot 2 inch frame,
and i feel kind of like a brat,
because he's not going to afghanistan and he's not dying
and he's not breaking my heart.
but i'm standing at the foot of this mountain and i don't know how to climb up,
and i've always felt stronger with him holding my hand.
but he's about to face his own mountain, and he's a better climber than i am.
i've never felt so cold or scared or strong all at the same time.
missing can never stop you,
you know?
i'll never let missing stop me.
not missing you or missing my mom or missing semesters at school.
and i'm going to let my fears help me climb faster,
and when the time is right, i'm going to let them go,
and i'm going to run as fast as i can.
and i'm going to rely on my Heavenly Father and He's going to carry me to the top.
but before i go, before you go, and while we're still here holding hands,
you're the most beautiful person i've ever known.
and you've taken me to heights i never knew i could reach.
and i love every hair on your fuzzy head and every laugh you've ever uttered.
every wave you've ever given, and every smile you've ever shown.
and you're going to change the world, out there.
you change my world every day.
you're the best friend i've ever had.
and i'll never ever forget or regret you.
i'll miss you, and i love you.
thanks for making me who i am.
God be with you, Elder Larson.






"the Lord is on thy side."
love, laur

how are you doing?

i've been thinking a lot about heaven lately, you know?
i've been looking at the moon and the stars and the orange leaves and i've
been looking a lot at you.
in heaven you don't have any anticipation, i bet.
you don't wait for hard things and you don't have to.
and i'll paint the sunsets and i'll help it rain and i'll
wait for all of you to be there again.
and we'll all hug each other and be glad that we're done,
that heart aches and heartbreaks and crying are done.
but life is so good, you know? while we are here.
so full of good things. like scars on your hands
and scruffles on your face.
and the way your eyes seem brighter when i see them outside.
life is cuddles and laughing and "remember this, please"
and it's scary and it's funny and it's courage and it's fear.
and you, you're just courage, and just good, and just mine for one second.
and heaven is like this, i'm sure of it, i'm sure.
people like you who laugh at cute things and who kiss your hands goodbye.
i guess heaven is love, and all kinds of love,
like my love for orange leaves, and my mom, and your baby brother,
and my love for you.
but we get to make heaven something else,
we get to forget ourselves for a second, you know?
forget about time and laughing and missing.
and we get to teach, yeah, we get to love people and things much bigger than us.
we get to see how big this whole thing is,
and how much hearts can grow.
we get to make heaven where people are scared.
and you get to go first, and you get to go soon.
you get to go in 6 days,in fact, and i ask only one thing of you.
that you take all that love that you've built up inside, and you make it
grow for everyone you see.
and you tell them the truth and you teach them the way,
and you love them and love them and you give them your heart.
you can give them mine too, it'll be in your pocket.
and one day you'll realize how big your love is.
and you'll almost forget your name, and your house and all the hairs off my head
that get stuck in your car and your jacket and face.
and i will be ok, you know? because you saw how big our hearts could reach.
just take good care, and please be safe, and don't forget
to give it your all.
and i love you, too. and i love that you're happy and excited.
and i love that you're going to be somewhere loving so many people.
i love that you gave it your whole heart.









"i will fly with you, far beyond the moon"
love, laura

pull up your socks.

"So don't worry about being homesick. Don't worry about being new. Don't worry about the language. None of that matters. It will not matter. God loves you and this is the truth and you can do it! Just reach down, pull up your socks, and go to work. This is a time for you to go out. I plead with you. I plead with you, in the case of the Elders, to have a 24 month mission! Not 23, not 22, not 19, not 16, not 14...to have a 24-month mission! Sisters, you have an 18-month mission -- not 15, not 11, not 6. Start fast. Run hard, and to the tape. You can rest later..."

-Elder Holland