my last 19 post.

20 years tomorrow i popped out into this bright big world and
spread my arms out wide and began being me.
i've been on a bit of a writers block lately, mostly because
i've been doing a lot of changing to my insides.
my brain has been growing and my heart has been growing
and apparently my age has been growing, too, but i didn't quite realize that was happening until it's tomorrow.
so in all this craziness and in all this growing,
here's a list of 19 things i learned while being 19:

1. i'm not always right.
2. i'm not always right.
3. i'm not in charge
4. i don't have it all figured out.
5. i'm not always right.
6. sometimes people i love wake up one morning and they aren't very happy, and
they do
some things that i think are really weird and really impulsive and really
dumb, frankly. but i still love them. love doesn't leave me anymore.
awkwardness comes, and meetings become less frequent, but love
doesn't leave me, it only grows my heart.
isn't that cool?
7. faith over fear. always. no matter what. you write that on your heart and say it
in your mind ten million and 3 times and let it come off your tongue when you are
alone in your car, or with your best friend, or at a concert. it doesn't matter.
just say it. just say it and feel how good that really is.
8. pretty places are a whole lot prettier when you're with pretty people, too.
9. pretty doesn't mean that your face has perfect symmetry, or that you
don't have burned pieces of hair on your head. pretty doesn't mean
that you have perfect skin or are taller or skinnier or have freckles.
pretty means that you have a big heart. and that people laugh when you laugh.
pretty is light in your eyes and pink on your cheeks and a smile that
feels just right.
i've said that all along. but i believe it now.
10. i'm not always right.
11. goodbyes are hard. but the more goodbyes i give away, the closer
i am to more hellos.
12. be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it.
you just might get it all.
every little painful bit of it.
13. God gets me. He knows me. and He'll never ever forget me.
neither will His Son. i know it. i know it with all that i am.
14. if something in your life is poison, please throw it out.
just throw it out, and fill it with flowers.
the kind that smell like heaven.
15. if your socks don't match, or your hair never gets done,
it's nbd. really.
16. keep your mouth shut as much as you can. some of the most beautiful moments
happen when it's silent.
17. if you want to be friends with someone, tell them if you stalk them on facebook.
tell them if you've always wanted to be friends. tell them if you had
a dream about them last night. it might sound creepy,
but it always works.
18. honesty always works. owning up to your weaknesses,
is one of the most beautiful things that is done.
19. hearts and minds growing are not such a bad thing,
even if the numbers you are turning are getting so big that they scare you.
hearts and minds growing are the best part of 19.
and probably the best part of 20, too.








"i still love you"
love, laura

mud huts and writing.

i'm hurt by things i shouldn't be hurt by
like the way your eyes look at him and the way he forgot what i said,
i cried the night i saw you all for no reason at all really
it was just cloudy in my head.
i wish i had the courage to say, "you're shooting yourself in the foot, and i'm sorry"
or "alkdjflaskjdfa;lkjwe;faije;fjlxckjvlkajsdf;wiejf;aowiejf;aoijdsfkj" (because that's how i feel inside but unfortunately it can't be said)
i want to wish on the wind and have it take me far away and more far away and more far away.
and if it took me far away, i'd wish you were there with me.
yes, if it took me far away, i'd want you to see the things i'd see.
we'd see people doing good
and we'd learn how to build a house out of mud.
and we'd teach the people why our faces shine and why we
ever started speaking to each other and how we sang in the car and what a car was.
we'd be adventurers, you and i.
and i'd forget all the mistakes i've made and friendships i ruined.
i'd forget all the complaints about the president,
or the way our lives are too fast paced.
i'd forget that i let my nerves get the best of me. that i wanted to protect someone so much that i forgot to love his lover.
we'd ask the trees about what they thought love was. they've seen a lot of
love over a lot of time, you know?
and we'd talk about the first time i knew God was real. and you'd tell me about that night when you cried.
and the milky way would be bright.
and the people i know would only have good things to say about me.
they'd forget it all. all of it. every last thing.
and if i died right there i'd be happy. and i hope no one would be sad.
i hope they'd all get together for a dinner and they'd laugh about things i said.
and maybe they'd remember walks in the canyon
or facts about stars
or even how scared they were of me, or how scared i was of them.
but i hope they'd remember that i loved them.
every one of them.
i hope you'd remember that i love you.
i hope you'd remember that wherever i am, i'm doing good things.
wherever i am, i'll save a run away and a mud hut for you.
and wherever you are, you keep doing good things too.










"and i told you to be patient,
and i told you to be kind"
love, laura

together we are 4 arms,

4 legs, 2 tummies,
4 knees and only 2 of them are with freckles.
together we're something people stare at,
they watch us when we laugh or when you move the hair out of my face.
they are the sound of blinds on the windows,
and "don't count on it"s in your head.
together we are happy, and we forgot that people watched us anyways.
and there's roots inside me. i feel them pulling as they grow
and sometimes it doesn't feel good and sometimes i just want to be held,
but you help them grow, you know? i feel like i have small feet when i am with you
but i feel insides growing outter and taller and loving more
things and people and laughing more too.
i think you're glorious, mostly.
and i think that you might be one of my favorite things about myself.
it's sounds cliche, sweetheart,
but i think you might be the reason the sun is so bright.
and the clouds love you so much that they
blanket the sun to make you happy.
and it rains for you, too.
it rains just for you, it washes the earth, just for you.
and the rain kisses my bare feet
and i feel you so close to me i can almost smell you.
and honey, i think our backs would fit
perfectly on that crescent moon.
we could lay there together with our hands
interlocked and feel like everything
is fitting perfectly because it is, because we do.
and sometimes you say things that i don't understand,
and sometimes you don't
need to say anything at all, which i don't understand.
but i understand you, darling. i understand everything about you. i understand what you mean when you look up and when you look away after i kiss you. i understand your
hands and your freckles and your hair and how all you want is for me to look at you while i'm crying. i understand your memory, and what it remembers and why.
i understand how your heart beats, i understand your eye rubbing and your high pitched talking when you say something serious. i understand why you're
quiet when you walk inside and why you open your mouth when you play the piano.
i understand that, darling, i understand all of you.
what i don't understand is why i can't tell you what that means.
i don't understand why words don't come out when i need them,
and why all i can do is cry and look at the stars.
but i love you, you know? and i think everything about you is just what i love.
yes, everything about you is just what i love.
and maybe the best part about us is that we feel things bigger than words.







"i feel lovely, just the way that i am."
love, laur

it was 100 degrees outside

and i sat in an old beat up wagon
that is 3 years older than i am and has more rust than color.
and you know,
one hundred and two degrees and sunshine and no conditioning
to the air makes you think, you know?
about brownies and ice cream and raspberries and jokes,
and about planets and heaven and nebulas and where you're gonna be in 5 months
and how many words i'm going to write on lined paper and how many
pictures i want to take and how many
conversations i want to hold in my heart.
it makes you think of flowers and fishes and lily pads
and dragon flies and hand holds and brazilian shampoo.
and you know something else?
if you're in 102 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 80 degrees and you believe in something,
or if you're in 55 degrees and you believe in something,
or in any degrees and you believe in something,
you should hold onto that thing and you should believe in it until
you can't breathe anymore. you believe it and you
become the best you can be and learn you learn how to recognize miracles.
you shake your head and you let light fly out of the ends of your
hair and you tell everyone you see what you know.
and climb mountains,
not just figuratively but literally,
go climb them and run around them and shout how you feel from the top.
and then remember to let some things stay in.
and don't forget to say, "i love you" every time you feel it.







"lucky i'm in love with my best friend"
love, laura

being happy and empty and full of coldplay

i just want to run and run and run until my legs
won't move anymore
and then i want to lay on the ground and
i want to spread my arms out wide and open my chest
and i want the moon to hug me and tell me i'm ok,
and that i'm ok being alone and that the cotton in the air
and the smoke on the mountain will all be ok.
i want to look at the face of everyone and i want to see everything inside them.
i want it laid out in piles. piles of secrets and
aspirations and dreams.
did you know that God is so real?
did you know that one of the reasons i know He's real is because i know people?
did you know that people are the greatest proof of God
and that people are the greatest proof of the devil?
and he and she and you and i and we and them and all of us get
to choose who we're going to have more of in us.
and if i laid on the ocean and you got to open me up
and you got to hear all of my secrets and all the things i've done,
and the things i want to do, and all the things i've loved.
you would see both in there, that's for sure.
but you would see more of God.
and if i laid on the ocean tomorrow and you opened me up again,
you would see more of God today than you did yesterday.
and i guess that i can't play sports,
and i don't sing very well and i didn't keep practicing the piano.
and i don't like when your far away and i don't like missing everything,
and i don't like that you're so much stronger than me,
and i get frustrated and mad and well, weird.
but i'm trying to let God in more and more.
and i'm trying to see God in you more and more.
and you make me want to let him in more and more every day,
don't you know He's filling you right up?








"and you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea"
love, laura

i hope you said, "thank you"

there's an ideal in people's minds, you know?
especially in mine.
and maybe i didn't picture that ideal to look like this,
you know? maybe it looks purple when i thought it was supposed to be blue,
and i think that's how it feels on this day.
but i'm starting to realize that purple can still be beautiful.
and i owe a lot to the blue part that started my life.
and learning to love a new color is harder than you might think,
but,
i'm getting there.
always getting there.
i love my purple, i love my dad,
no matter what, i love my dad.

but open your ears and listen to me.
if your dad loves you,
and if your mother is his number one,
and if playing catch with you is more important to him
than views and money and magazines and hair,
i hope you said "thank you" today.
i hope you hugged him and wrote him a letter and i hope that you sat on his lap.
i hope you laughed with him all day,
i hope you heard, "i'm proud of you" a couple times, too.
remember how it feels to have that power in your home.
remember stories from work and remember him listening to you sing.
and please, remember how it looks when he holds your mom's hand.
remember all those memories and hold them tight,
and say another "thank you" from me, too.







happy father's day.
love, laura

all that, too.

my life isn't about this thing that i write on,
or about you or about me of about my little brother's ninetendo games.
it's not about fluffies and kitties and puppies
or even the way my hair looks at nighttime, or the way my only freckle is forgotten.
it's not about painting walls, it's not even about smelling flowers,
it's not about running or water bottles or never forgetting your name.
i guess my life is about all of this too,
i guess it's about all of that and more.
my life is more about what happens when i open my mouth and what i'm saying
and what you're saying
and the certain color hue the room seems to turn whenever we're speaking like that.
it's about sunshine and nice-ness
it's about learning how to fix the things about myself that make my nose turn up.
it's about trying to love the things that are right about me, too.
it's about books, and learning, and temples, too.
maybe i has something to do with summertime, and healing, and learning how to be a listener.
maybe it's feeling Heavenly Father's love for me, and feeling your love for me too.
it's about getting older, because it's happening all the time,
but it's about being alive, because if you're alive, getting older doesn't matter, you know?
it's about how i tell myself i'm ok all the time,
i tell myself i don't miss you and don't want to and you're having a good time,
and it's about learning it's ok to not be strong all the time.
i guess it's about colors and laughter and the fact that one of us saw rockets today.
and i said prayers and i took a long shower and for a second i forgot how sore my legs were.
and maybe in that we are ok,
i think somewhere in rockets and "love you"'s and long showers and flowers,
and prayers and prayers and more prayers, too.
i am always going to be ok,
and so are you.





"can't do it alone, i've tried, and i don't know why"
love, laura