i guess it's time,

well hey, i'm still alive and i am in utah and i
actually live in a little apartment under a restaurant and i'm also here to tell
you that the boy that i used to write about is actually
my husband now and that happened to me about 3 months ago.
it was the best day and the best boy and the best life and
all of the sudden lately i have been thinking "i need to blog"
and then i think "no one does that anymore and you can't just pop up and say something whenever
you want when you have been gone for years"
and i guess i felt like blogging was for perfect lives and dreams and i didn't know
how to do it anymore with my faults and my fears and my
unfashionable clothes.
but i'm doing it anyway, because i love you and i love to write.
so stay tuned for life by me and a boy named reese.

love, laur

home.

Oh, how I missed you.

I ran away for awhile,
I went to the south. you know. Mississippi.
I fell in love with strangers,
and I found cotton fields and trees and the ocean a time or two.
and I found me, i thought.
and now its over.
it flew right by.
and now i'm sitting here thinking,
"wait, what happened?" and "what do i do now?"
they say it's normal,
but it's a bit overwhelming to me.
i feel lost in a fashion show in
crowded hallways and expensive pages.
and i'm losing.
i'm getting lost in the mountains,
in the iphones,
in the skinny jeans.
i get up each day, I smile and i pray.
and i'll make it through,
i always do.





love, laur

here comes goodbye.

lovely humans who read these words, who read, who sing, who
listen to my words.
all of you, i love you. i really truly do.
i won't be here for a second or two.
actually more like ten trillion seconds or more.
but i just wanted to say thanks, and keep following, because when i get back
i'll have much to share.
keep your prayers this way and keep your heads high.
wink at the moon when you see it, and enjoy your shorts in july.
be the best you you can be, and laugh at yourself
when all you want to do is cry.
keep the faith, and only love when it's with all your heart.
live life out loud, and don't ever let a day go by
without saying "i love you" at least one time.

and
"God be with you till we meet again."
love, laura





sister cottrell, i mean.

9 more, honey suckle.

you read that right, and i hope it made your heart jump a little
because heaven knows my heart is falling to my feet and coming out my ears and i can't even
keep a hold on that thing anymore.
i write letters to some imaginary person and it's scared how fast you feel that
you have forgotten someone and how somehow they have forgotten you.
i'm thrilled we got silver rings on our fingers so that when you hold bananas i can
see that you still remember me, and somehow we still remember each other somewhere, sometimes, so long ago.
all i ever talk about is fear and love and somehow they are so close to each other
it's almost scary and lovely at the same time.
but i'm not going to talk about that here today because i only have a few
more things to say to you and your lovely face and i just
want to talk for a second, ok?
i've fallen in love with a lot of things and a lot of people and a lot of
life.
but i don't know if i've loved many things as much as i love the sunshine.
when it creeps up the mountain and i know that God loves me and wants me to be warm and wants you to be warm, too.
there's nothing like the 4 people who grew up with me and
called me names and pushed me down.
there's nothing like the 4 people who helped me grow the most.
there's something about snowfall that makes the air more quiet and the nights more blue
, and something about wet hair and shoveled drive ways that
makes you forget who you are.
i don't really know what else i learned this week except that God is so real and so here right now.
and it's because all you lovely people knelt by your beds and blessed laura.
and now i hope that you can do that even more and that you wish on stars for me and on yellow lights for me,
but i won't ask you to use birthday candles on me.
but i need you, and i need this. and mississippi needs me. and i won't see snow air for a long time.
but i need to fall in love with more things i haven't seen yet.
like people who say "ya'll" and twinkies that are fried.
like a girl who will sleep in the same room as me and i don't even know her name yet.
like ugly shoes and long skirts and sweat rolling down my back.
like the hair on my head that had to turn back natural and made me cry.
people say you learn from scary, and that you grow from tears.
people say there's still stars in the south and that mail still works there, too.
but guess what i'm saying is this is hard but i can't stop myself.
my heart is beating and i need help and i need sleep and i need a bigger suitcase.
but time keeps ticking and people keep leaving and i know that you love me somewhere.
and eyelids fill with sparkles if you close your eyes and count to ten
and when you open them you make the world so pretty and i'm so lucky i get to see it sometimes.
so don't forget to wish and pray and don't forget how beautiful you are.
you must never forget how beautiful you are.




"let him go, bluebird"
love,laur

we are too fast.

i sit on a bench and i look at all of you,
you're all running, all hurting, all crying inside,
all slipping and tripping but mostly just hurrying.
what happened to sunshine?
what happened to us?
remember when we would run to the car just because we wanted to see
who had more spring in their step?
we used to dance in public, because i liked that you liked to
do that too.
remember when january was for sledding and bundling
and snowballs and forts?
when school was just a place for jump rope and getting chased by boys?
remember when fear didn't exist? when night lights could fix
all the pain?
when i thought i'd be beautiful and lovely and charming,
i thought i'd be strong and brave and fearless.
i thought i'd have brown hair, and a kid by now. i thought i'd
be travelling to ireland and spain. i thought i'd
have freckles and glasses and a larger foot size. i thought i'd wear make up and curl my hair on wednesdays. i thought i'd be an astronaut.
and no, i don't believe i'm really any of those things. i don't think
20 years was enough to become all those things.
but what i am is a 5 foot 2 inch, size 5 feet, grey blonde haired thing,
and i'm scared to go on a mission.
i love a boy in brazil and i miss him all the time.
i wear make up on sundays, and sometimes on saturdays if i decide to be with people.
i have a lot of friends, but the only ones i hang
out with live in my house. i still text my older brother "i love you, goodnight".
i'm learning to forgive my dad, and let go of my mom,
i'm learning to put on more layers, to read more books, to stop dying my hair so blonde.
i'm learning to embrace every person, to hug them and tell them i'm proud of them and God loves them and they will do great things.
i'm learning the power of time. i'm learning the importance of it. i have 19 days left
and i'm so grateful for time. i haven't seen him for like 85. we're 25 days into the year and it's 2013. 1 and 1 can equal 5 and i've seen it because 2 hearts can do a lot of good, if you know what i mean.
i watch the sky and i stare at pictures and i can't wait till i'm up there and i'm swimming in it all. and i can't wait to see you there. will you meet me on the moon?
i rub my feet together when i go to sleep, and i twitch when i finally get to sleep.
i search for sleep all night long, and when i find him i feel
more human than ever. because we all find sleep each night, we all rub our
feet or count sheep or think of kisses until we find sleep.
but what i need is prayers, you know?
you might not know me very well, but basically i love you, and i
love that you read what i write. so please, raise your voice.
when you pray will you say "laura is scared, will you help her?"
"laura needs to go to mississippi, will you send her angels?"
and whenever i see you next i will kiss your cheek and thank you for
helping me to have strength to fulfill my dreams.
because if i can go to mississippi and teach people what i know and love,
it might even be more of a dream than sleeping on the moon.





you forgot how to spell my name and i forgot how to say "do i?"
love, laura

29 days,

you're lost, i feel like, since you're so far away.
i don't even know how to tell you what's happening to me.
it's hard, darling, because i so love you.
i remember when i used to spout out the first thing that came to my mind
and your eyes lit up and you
always beamed like everything i had to say was as important as
words could ever be.
i loved that, you know. maybe i miss that most of all.
or maybe it's the way you would say "yeah" kind of airy and nod your head
really fast and purse your lips.
maybe it's just the way you looked at me right before you said,
"see you soon" and you had tears in your eyes and you wouldn't
let me go.
or the way you wrote "r + l" on my windshield and i can't
erase it.
but i think what it really is right now, is that i'm missing a part of me,
you know?
a part that you understand, a part that has courage, and a part that
i fear climbed in your pocket while i wasn't looking.
i look at the stars at night and i make wishes that you'll be ok,
i make wishes that we'll be ok,
and i ask the moon to not forget us.
but how could anything forget us, you know.
we lived out of our bodies and we lived like we only could together.
i've got stars in my hood, and you've got light in your eyes,
hopefully one day we put them back together again,
and we swim in the sky and we light it back up.
maybe we'll light it up in a way that only we can, and the whole world
will see how love can light up the world.
in 29 days i'll be out there too, and maybe that will light it up
a little bit more
and
maybe one day, we'll see each other again.




"i remember it all too well"
love, laura

you'll say "ok"

it's so foggy in here.
it's so grey, its so new.
i'm not unhappy, no. never unhappy, only confused and scared
and a little bit chilly.
the sun makes me happy, the sun might be in love with me, because
whenever he decides to tell me good morning,
my morning seems more happy and my shoes seem less squeaky.
i see beautiful pictures and things rehearse in my mind,
i remember every word you said, i think. and if
i don't remember it then i have it written down.
i can't read it yet though, because it makes my heart feel purple,
purple and heavy and fuzzy, too.
someone told me once that you have to make yourself do the things you are
scared of. i thought they meant bunji jumping, skydiving,
giving speeches, or dancing with a stranger.
i think what they meant now was forgiving someone who hurt you,
or learning to laugh at your mistakes,
or asking forgiveness, and writing letters that take all your restraint.
i think they meant to climb mountains, even if you have to climb alone,
and when you say, "Lord, i'll give you all my life, just
tell me where to go"
when He says "mississippi" i think it means you should go.
i think it means phone calls, and "i love you no matter what"s.
and "please don't hurt yourself anymore" i think it means
reading, and eating salad, and loving even though people will hurt you.
days keep flying and slowing down all at the same time.
and i'm still falling and i'm not sure if i've been caught.
words fill me up until i can't stop anymore, and i think if i'm scared of letting
them out, i should do that too.
time passes and before you know it, it's 2013 and you've got 6 weeks ahead of you
and almost 5 weeks and 6 days.
what do i want you to know about me? what do i want you to remember?
i'm safe, not scary. i don't run too far away.
i don't run fast either, and i take every precaution that i can.
i braid my hair when i want it to leave me alone, and i grow it because
long hair is beautiful to me.
i want freckles on my nose and i want a raspier voice,
and i wish i only thought good thoughts about everyone and i wish i never
let fear and nasty things build up inside of me. i wish i knew how to
understand myself enough that i could understand the way your eyelashes curl,
or the way your toes freeze when it's december.
i wish i could feel the air that you feel and see the moon that
you saw on christmas eve.
mountains and hills and horses and coves, things i wish i had done.
it doesn't really matter now, because today is new.
because this year is new.
because we forget things every few seconds, and that scares me, you know?
so make it all good. and make it all yellow. and dance
and be brave, and love him even when it has to fill up an ocean.
remember the squeak in his voice and the freckle on his neck
and remember that some things are bigger than you.
it's not so bad to have things that are bigger than you.




happy new year.
love, laur